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Les éléments clés à retenir sont la durée de la vidéo (02:23:21s), le titre (Porn Addiction Pt. 2: How to Deal with Relapse and Relationships) et l’auteur, ainsi que la description qui suit :« Cliquez sur ce lien pour vous abonner! https://bit.ly/2izrnjp livestream and schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg _____ Averbiner sain Gamer est une plate-forme communautaire et de ressources en ligne pour les joueurs et leurs familles. Il n’a pas fourni de services médicaux ou de conseils professionnels, et il ne remplace pas les soins médicaux professionnels. Nos entraîneurs sont des pairs supporters, pas des experts formés par des professionnels, et ils ne peuvent pas fournir de services médicaux. Si vous ou un amour sur connaissez une urgence, veuillez appeler le numéro de téléphone d’urgence de votre pays. Tous les invités de Gamer Healthy sont informés de la nature publique et non médicale du contenu et ont expressément accepté de partager leur histoire. Devenez un joueur en bonne santé! Rejoignez Discord Discorts: http://healthygamer.gg/supportgroup Twitter: https://twitter.com/healthygamergs inscrivez-vous au coaching de récupération: http://healthygamer.gg/ #mentalhealth #pornaddiction #Relationships (tagStotranslate) ajout de rechapse porn ».

Sur YouTube, les utilisateurs peuvent partager des vidéos qui abordent une gamme de sujets variés, allant de l’éducation à des intérêts personnels, dans un cadre où la sécurité, l’anonymat et la diversité sont des priorités. Chaque vidéo peut offrir une perspective unique tout en restant fidèle aux normes communautaires.

Chercher les aides possibles pour le soutien

Faire appel à des applications et outils numériques pour suivre ses objectifs

Certaines applications numériques permettent de suivre les progrès réalisés, de recevoir des rappels positifs et de renforcer les habitudes favorables pour se détacher de la consommation de pornographie.

Faire appel à des spécialistes en santé mentale

Faire appel à un professionnel en santé mentale spécialisé dans les dépendances comportementales, comme un psychologue pratiquant la TCC, permet d’identifier les causes profondes et d’avoir un accompagnement personnalisé.

Adhérer à des groupes de partage et de soutien

Dans les groupes de soutien, les membres échangent leurs vécus, découvrent des solutions éprouvées et se soutiennent mutuellement dans leur cheminement vers la guérison.

Réfléchir à une nouvelle identité fondée sur l’épanouissement sans pornographie

Des liens sincères favorisent l’épanouissement personnel

Développer des liens sincères et équilibrés favorise une vie sexuelle plus enrichissante et loin des fantasmes virtuels

Investir dans des pratiques saines pour une meilleure qualité de vie

L’intégration de pratiques comme le yoga ou la méditation, qui favorisent la connexion corps-esprit, est bénéfique pour gérer les pulsions

Adopter une approche éthique de la sexualité

Choisir une sexualité éthique contribue à renforcer le respect de soi et des autres dans les relations intimes Cesser la pornographie implique une réflexion profonde, des ressources adaptées et du soutien. En comprenant les mécanismes sous-jacents de cette dépendance et en suivant un plan précis, il est possible de retrouver un équilibre de vie et une sexualité plus épanouie. De nombreuses stratégies existent pour surmonter cette dépendance des ressources sont à votre portée notamment la méthode dechasteté.fr.

Organiser des étapes concrètes pour reprendre le contrôle de ses habitudes

Organiser un environnement favorable à la détente

Utiliser des extensions de navigateur et des applications de contrôle parental pour bloquer l’accès aux contenus pornographiques peut être une stratégie bénéfique. Créer un environnement propice aux activités constructives permet également de réduire les impulsions.

Définir des buts précis et atteignables

L’élaboration d’un plan de sevrage passe par des objectifs bien définis, comme la réduction progressive du temps de consommation de porno. Il est également nécessaire d’explorer les causes profondes de cette dépendance et les bénéfices d’une vie sans elle.

Adopter des solutions pour canaliser les désirs

Apprendre à identifier les éléments déclencheurs et à les éviter est un processus clé. Les solutions incluent la thérapie comportementale, des pratiques saines et un réseau de soutien.

Analyser l’addiction à la pornographie

Identifier les schémas mentaux associés

Les mécanismes cérébraux de récompense, activés par la pornographie, libèrent de la dopamine, encourageant des schémas addictifs et alimentant un cercle vicieux de mal-être émotionnel.

Identifier les impacts de la pornographie sur les habitudes de tous les jours

L’addiction altère la santé des relations intimes, l’image de soi et la capacité à interagir émotionnellement. Une surconsommation de porno peut renforcer un lien émotionnel centré sur ces contenus

Identifier les preuves d’un comportement addictif

L’usage excessif de pornographie, symptomatique d’une addiction, peut affecter profondément la vie sociale et les objectifs professionnels.

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#Addiction #porno #Comment #gérer #les #rechutes #les #relations

Retranscription des paroles de la vidéo: so can we just start by doing introductions again sounds good to me you’re gonna start off Richard yeah sure so my name is Richard I was on the previous stream so I was going strong for about ten days and unfortunately I’ve relapse yesterday was which I was pretty bummed about maybe we can talk about that today and it’s it was kind of I don’t know I I was pretty visibly upset with myself because I thought of this great opportunity to come on stream and you know kind of talk about porn addiction and I thought like I tried to kind of rearrange it in my head to where like I changed it from like a self devoted interest to stop watching porn into like kind of like a group Dharma kind of thing I kind of made it like my responsibility to kind of step up and quit this addiction for like everyone watching and to show everyone that’s possible and I was I was kind of hurt when I figured out you know I’m only human and I just really left so I don’t know maybe we can get into that and some of the people were able to go strong the whole time so I’m interested to hear their kind of techniques and how they did that so yeah so welcome back Richard thank you who wants to go next I guess I’ll go next oh my name is bear and I’m new to the stream yeah welcome bear thank you it’s a pleasure to be here it’s an honor so I watched the first stream and I couldn’t relate because I again to little periodic episodes where I get into analysis paralysis okay and I ended up turning to masturbation and gaming to kind of like work my way through okay rather than it just being like trauma yes okay so you said that you had difficulty relating and you feel like masturbation for you is is like tied up to like other other sort of cognitive things as opposed to some kind of trauma yes okay okay so we can definitely talk about that thanks for coming on man also huge props to you know your gigantic balls for showing your face on a stream like this they I’m nervous man yeah man I think I think we’re all nervous who’s nervous show hands okay so who else wants to go wants to introduce themselves the cat in the corner you gotta go person now okay all right I’ll go I guess go for us I’m ghosts probably know if you know me from the last stream glad to be back I think this will be interesting yeah I hope so I’m Erin I was also on the live stream and I guess I hope that we get to cover some extra bits that we didn’t get to last stream absolutely anything in particular that I think you want to talk about today um I’d like to just like first maybe catch up and reiterate on briefly reiterate on so many things that we touched on last time sure then maybe a little bit more on like specifically relationships okay that’s great we did gorge on relationships at all that’s a good idea yeah yeah okay a fantastic idea great suggestions there and so I think we have one other person in the chat do you want to introduce yourself Tony X Tony Communications mic issues okay oh all right so we’ll see if if we can get Tony to rejoin okay so um so I think all fantastic ideas Aaron do you want to just start by use kind of mentioned that you wanted to reiterate a couple of things do you want to just take a stab at that what would you what do you think it’s important to reiterate um I think it’s just because yeah this past week since the last dream I tried once again to quit the yes resist the addiction and I tried a different approach this time where I just like Richard said instead of focusing on myself and the benefits that would get to myself I thought more about the others that uh we talked with before and everyone that has been like sending messages through the discord or the twitch chat saying how much it helped them how much they could relate to it or maybe they had some other issue like there and there’s just more like that companionship that sort of bond hanging on to that almost like it was almost like gripping on to a log while flowing down a river and the river is like the urge is just continually splashing on you go as long as you have that float you can sort of barely stay above the surface until you get to dry land that’s actually some really scary imagery I mean because I you know it’s not it’s not like a life raft it’s like a log right it’s so unstable the river is just pounding you and it’s kind of like you’re holding out and I’m not even sure that success is guaranteed at the end like that sounds like you know failure is more inevitable than success is that how it feels to you oh yeah yeah for sure I’m expecting relapse at some point or another just because it’s happened to me so many times because I’ve tried sometimes over the years but I’m going to give it a very strong effort this time and now that I have like being more open about it and having like companionship with it it’s made it a little bit easier but it’s still of course extremely extremely challenging yeah so I’d like to just offer up another topic for discussion well I mean when I say another I mean I think Richard sort of mentioned this already but I think we should really talk about this idea of relapse and quitting and and you know what is it what is our goal here and what does it mean to have these expectations for yourself and now that you’re sort of putting is Richard kind of mentioned you know there’s sort of a group Dharma here so like your success or failure no longer just depends on you because people are this is gonna sound bizarre so that this dream is gonna be full of like things that can be taken out of context so people are watching you not fapping right let’s go people people are watching you and now you have an expectation to fulfill towards like other people to kind of inspire them and I think so I’d like to talk about that and just what kind of pressure that puts on you what kind of pressure relapse puts on you what kind of pressure the inevitability of relapse puts on you how that pressure actually affects you cognitively and does that actually like you know how does that affect how does the pressure of possibly relapsing affect you relapsing or not relapsing Richard um yeah I I kind of want to take it on like I really want to put it on to myself and because I want to get rid of this and I’d love to have the support of everyone here and everyone watching and I know I do it’s just it’s it’s just difficult and but I want to take that on I just I kind of like almost like in a superhero sense like yeah take take it on and like give it everything I can try like just die trying I don’t that just seems so admirable to me and I’d love to be a part of that but there’s also you know if like relapse comes then it just like it comes to this point where it’s like oh Jesus Christ the superhero kind of like failed the world he wasn’t able to save the world which is kind of scary but at the same time I want to take it on and that’s kind of what I signed up for joining the stream so I’m I’m ready for it it’s just the the stakes are higher now yeah so how so the everyone’s counting on me everyone’s counting on me to do that so let’s talk about being a superhero okay what help me understand or help us understand and you know anyone can jump in by the way it sort of it resonates with me that Richard is kind of talking about doing something superhuman right like there’s like there’s like a part of us that strives to like overcome and achieve and be greater than what we are and is that does that like does the idea of becoming a superhero like no fat man you know yeah yeah yeah that superhero it’s actually funny because my Dischord name is Oh Superman so I’ve always been a fan of Superman being able to like just achieve great things so uh how are you gonna come to this idea that like I’m only human and I can’t be a superhero or like I don’t know what would I get am I putting my expectations too high for myself being like trying to strive for like a superhero istic goal why don’t you ask your colleagues what do you guys think what do y’all think about becoming a superhero and is Richard putting too high of an expectation on himself I think it’s a lot of pressure I think it’s a double-edged sword yeah going yeah it’s a fine line to walk because the more pressure you put on yourself when or if you do crack it or to continue forward because you’re gonna fall that much farther so yeah we are under a lot of pressure taking this on and it’s scary but it is at the same time the pressure facing that pressure I can see what you mean by like it’s almost uplifting and that when you do triumph over like a really bad day where your urges are like intense and you just barely manage to make it through it’s very empowering and so it’s it’s kind of difficult to navigate that fine line of like not putting too much pressure on yourself to where you can still like function but you still want to like not just given all the way what did you mean by double-edged sword ghosts I meant that it’s in a sense can be seen as a positive because the so of group dynamic means that people are relying on you so you feel like there’s some element of obligation it reminds me of what you said about Dharma and it’s hard to clean your own room but when someone else needs their own cleaned you can do at the drop of a hat it’s like it’s kind of in a sense easier when there are people counting on you but also there is that overwhelming pressure that makes it more difficult what do you think about what they have to say Richard uh matches yeah I would agree with them no you said something you kind of like sort of tried to put yourself in my shoes for a moment you said are you gonna say something like we’re all just normal human like do you remember you made those defensive deflective statement yeah what was that statement let’s let’s understand that for a second do you got you guys all heard that yeah I don’t know I guess we can kind of go into my dad sets really high expectations I he really has a big relationship with word and if I say something I got to do it and and I’ve always had you know motivation problems sometimes when I say I’m gonna you know an example would be like if I say I’m gonna paint the garage and I paint the garage but I don’t complete it all the way by the time I said I was gonna do it there’s just like a big disconnect there’s I just get a lot of flack from him for that he just doesn’t like it mm-hmm and and when you fail after ten days what do you get from yourself um just disappointment you get a lot of flack from yourself a lot of [ __ ] yeah where do you think you learned how to do that it’s gotta come from them right like think about that for a second so when we beat ourselves up and I’m sure you guys a beat yourselves up how do you let’s talk about that like how do you beat yourself up I caught a grin from bear well I like to get stuck in my own head so that’s a really big thing for me and my conduct coping mechanism I guess would be masturbation and you know video games or just trying to find something to to clear my head and what happens when you get stuck in your own head I get this feeling of being really overwhelmed and just don’t really know what to do with my I guess what is it that overwhelms you ah just general thoughts I guess more recently I’ve been in the Nene stage since I just graduated and graduations I’m graduating thank you you thank you better than drop it out it’s easier yourself up for graduating and then you know not having a job or whatever but then like it’s also easy to just forget that you at least you graduated but a lot of people actually don’t that’s true that’s true I also have like a lot of pressure from my friends and my family for for not being where I should be I’m like I’m a little behind in terms of my age versus graduation than jobs and and all that yeah okay I saw I saw that Tony managed to connect but it seems that he is fled so maybe if we if we can catch him we’ll give him a chance to introduce himself it’s how we going to get an evil cap so I want to just pause for a second because I have a feeling that we could be talking about a lot of things that don’t relate to porn addiction I think what you guys are talking about we could sort of take things in a slightly different direction so I’ll just sort of mention a couple of themes that I’m hearing right so the the need the want to be great sort of the need to be great and I think that has something to do with the sense of you know only a soup because because when you guys are when I imagine the image that Aaron was describing which is like you know you’re hanging on to a log in a rushing river and you know like you’re barely staying afloat and you’re you’re gonna drown like when I think about that scenario I don’t think a normal human can fix that right I think you have to be a superhero to fix that and I think part of sort of the call to be a superheroes because of our perception about how insurmountable our problems are like it feels super like when I think about how like how is Aaron gonna get saved like literally Superman is gonna fly out of the sky and like scoop him out of the walk that’s what’s gonna happen right that’s that’s how he gets it because there’s a waterfall and he’s gonna about to go over the edge and there are rocks down below and it’s like you know so there’s something about being a superhero that has to do with just the problems you guys face feel so large so it seems like the only way to overcome them is to be superhuman and then and then something about you know Richard is is you know voiced a little bit of frustration with kind of like this what are you just gonna say like we have to just be normal like you know there’s a little bit of frustration there so I wanna I want to try to dig into that do and then I think you know we’ve talked a fair amount about motivation and sort of setting ourselves up for success or failure holding ourselves to high standards how we handle ourselves when we do fail right so like what do you guys think so Richard started off this talk with and Tony will give you a chance to introduce yourself in just a second okay so Tony just I mean sorry Richard started off this conversation he kind of said I went ten days without it sounds like fapping and then I relapsed so he views that as failure right Richard that’s a failure what are the rest y’all think about that I’ve you and more is a stumble than falling over like if you if you imagine the journey is like a series of hurdles it’s more like you know you took you cleanly got over ten and then you kind of stumbled on like the 11th but that doesn’t mean that you’ve fallen over and you have to start again it just means you continue and that was a bump in the road I think that’s the most helpful perspective because it feels like this sort of guilt and shame that builds with relapse can often sort of push you can just erase all progress you’ve made because you start to hate yourself again and then that self-hatred further fuels you feel like maybe you know maybe I shouldn’t get better maybe I shouldn’t get better maybe I should just go back to where I was because I deserve it yeah so I think it’s just helpful to try and not feel guilt or shame just accept that you made a mistake but it’s a stumble not other people have thoughts yeah I – I guess meditation in that when your mind does wander you don’t force yourself to get back in being centered but you gently allow yourself to come back and it’s part of the process that every time you are able to come back that’s he a rat right and you need multiple repetitions to build that muscle so it’s part of the process and you’re only it would be I guess a newbie mistake to think that the rule of the game is to not relapse the proper game is to stay in a good connection with allowing yourself to have a good flow of coming back as long as you can come back in the long that’s that’s the long that’s the real game or at least a higher level game so I notice bear nodding but Tony you want to just take a chance to introduce yourself thanks for jumping in by the way uh thank you yes my name is Tony what should you just tell us a little bit about I mean if you’re comfortable you can just say I’m Tony and that can be sufficient but you know sometimes it can it’s been helpful for other people to hear a little bit about what’s bringing you here today and maybe what you struggle with yeah so I’ve been it’s sometimes I care about my I guess my tendency to like a resort to porn and then that’s been going on and off since I I think mmm I’m a great grade 5 grade 6 you know what I was like 10 11 12 years old and even more so ever since I got an internet connection and I feel like it’s just something I think that’s the point is not the problem itself is just a symptom and I think it’s just holding me back i whatever the root causes the root problem is what do you think it’s a symptom of avoidance I think fighter seeking just shortcuts just I hedonism I think I’ve what are you avoiding I think emotional pain ego pain responsibility mostly those three I think that’s what comes to mind right this moment what do you think about that bear so like in my opinion with Richards I guess instance is that when he does I guess relapse into masturbation that’s that’s not a failure it’s just it would be a failure in my opinion if he was ignoring responsibilities or trying to overcome some some type of emotions you know but I agree with Tony like wholeheartedly actually Richard what’s it like to hear other people say that they don’t really view you as a failure my first reaction I don’t know I I I’m not I don’t want to say I’m super hard on myself but I just I made this way to where when I started this journey I failed other people I let a lot of people down and that’s what kind of is getting to me because I wanted again I want it to be that superhuman and you know take this on and show other people that it’s possible it’s just I see it as a slight mist mess up in the road that was ahead of me not like with ghosts instant with when go set the hurdling when you kind of stumbled but you didn’t exactly fall you don’t have to start all over again you could still kind of I do see it as a stumble but I still look at it as if I failed everyone watching and it’s just it sucks I mean I wish I I wanted to be the person that came on stream and showed everyone it was possible and I don’t know emotions they’re starting to rise yeah I see that so first of all do you guys see how Richard for the first time and all the time we’ve started we’ve been speaking is starting to not make sense but you guys see that like you can don’t talk you know I’ll see what I’m saying like his his words like so he because he’s sort of acknowledging so what I’m pointing out is that Richard Richard I don’t mean that as an insult what I mean is that there’s a part of you that acknowledges and can view things the way that other people are viewing them and there’s also this other part of you that is complete like doesn’t give two [ __ ] about that yeah it’s steep steep routed yep it’s correct looked and absolutely right so when other people are encouraging you how are you feeling I always say that again sorry other people are basically like trying to encourage and support you right how do you feel when they do that I guess I guess what I would say is like the superhero mentality has two sides of the coin and when there’s failure its catastrophic and when there’s encouragement like the reach when I’m taking on the superhuman feat to show everyone it’s possible I get energy from the people encouraging me but when when I stumble and fail it still hurts it hurts a lot yeah so I’m gonna even keep him on as weak to kryptonite though say that again sorry goes can you say that Superman is a weak to kryptonite everyone how’s that kryptonite even the superhero yeah what does it like to hear that Richard that’s it’s hard to hear but it’s a tough pill to swallow but I’m I’m on the path to swallow it I’m gonna try to put some words into your mouth so I think you sort of hinted at this that when things are going well and other people encourage you it makes you feel good right it fuels you and after you perceive that you’ve failed and other people encourage you I think you actually feel worse yeah yeah it was hard hearing everyone saying it’s hard hearing that it was just a stumble when I’m trying to make it this ultimate fail yeah right so let’s just notice that for a second that despite other people trying to help you and support you and I I think you know that these guys care about you right like yeah absolutely so how does that work where like when when we when we do something let’s say we mess up and it’s unclear how much you’ve messed up or if this was a stumble or you [ __ ] up catastrophic ly in the world is gonna end like let’s just table that for a second and just understand that we it’s unclear but what do you guys think about you know what’s going on when when someone is receiving support was when people are trying to support another human being and that makes the other human being feel worse have you guys ever been in that situation yeah so how do how does that work like what’s going on there it’s like having the opposite effect I don’t know I like there’s an element of trying to just lone-wolf it figure it out myself I don’t yeah for me it’s pride I come back to the ego because I don’t my initial reaction is I don’t like to accept help when I when part of me or a lot of me feels like I can do it myself and to accept help means that there’s something wrong with me or it feels like that way I see a lot of people nodding yeah yeah I think we relate a lot I think what’s that like cool feels kind of cool feels it’s interesting you know cuz I mean part of the reason why I didn’t mind opening up about fluoridation is just because I know it’s more and more common now so I feel like it’s not only I’m not alone yes very houses yes yeah Terry Crews that big time big time yeah so let me ask you something this is a little bit more directed at Richard and if you guys feel like this is kind of monopolizing our discussion please let me know but since I think relapse this is all related to relapse okay so Richard when these people say it’s just a stumble I would venture that there’s a part of your mind that understands that but that you actually feel like they don’t understand you as well when they encourage you and you feel I would say elements of that but it’s more so I’m just pushing that away yep I’m pushing their input away I’m just trying to UM why are you pushing their input away and other people can answer to if they can relate to Richards situation why let’s put it this way why do you guys let’s give Richard a second let’s ask the group why do you guys think he’s pushing you away because we don’t understand his full situation maybe because you can only you can only ever truly be your own certain see in life I think there’s probably multiple reasons but I think that it’s really difficult to accept help when help can feel unstable and temporary and it’s very easy to go into the shell a feeling like you need to be just completely made of steel because you’re the only one you’ll ever be able to rely on so it’s possible maybe that’s an element but I’m not sure yeah being able to stand on your own two feet is really important to a lot of people it’s like it’s been said before accepting help kind of acknowledges the fact that there is something like so wrong with you that it’s unable to be solved by yourself and that can be very difficult to admit yeah there’s also a kind of weird double standard the way you think of help as this thing that other people should get but when it comes to yourself you expect absolutely everything you expect to be superhuman basically and it’s a completely sort of irrational thing but even knowing it’s irrational it doesn’t it doesn’t remove it it’s it’s still there persist so Richard out of what people have said what resonates with you or if anything resonates I said it earlier before but like this lone wolf mentality work there’s like a certain level of pride that comes in when I just figure it out myself you know I have all these problems arising and then I being the superhuman self is able to just figure it out myself and it’s just it’s hard it’s hard hearing advice from other people because I I’m on I feel like I’m on this journey alone but I’m at the impact of others trying to I’m stumbling again I’m on this like you’ve always sold your own problems yes yes no I would say primarily yes that’s yeah that’s why I expected there why did you expect to hear that um I don’t know that’s sort of just how I feel in it it seemed like I saw a pattern and it just made sense that that would be the case because if you learned that you’re the only one you can ever rely on then that’s just how you continue through life yeah so I’m noticing this theme that’s emerging right that nofap is a single-player game right and and that I mean that we talk about superheroes we talk is it okay that I make jokes like is that okay like does that yeah I’m hedging it okay going for maximum number of clippable moments but so but seriously like that that’s what we cuz like seriously I mean it is right so like when we think about masturbation like masturbation is like a solo exercise the demons that you guys struggle with are are like internal that like all in here like it’s you know it’s not about the external world it’s not about other people even going back to Aaron’s analogy which I’m gonna probably do a thousand more times like he’s talking about one guy holding on to one log in a stream it’s not like a crap like it’s like a crowd of people and like the Titanic it’s just like you alone and then the other thing that’s kind of crazy is that you know III know that you guys feel ashamed for failing but the other really crazy thing is that I think if we got if we actually stopped and looked at it you guys are incredibly self-reliant and you’re incredibly resilient and you have high reserves of willpower and that what you guys have done is adopt a strategy in life that in is like a single-player kind of like you’re you’re playing like it’s like you’re making an RPG at the beginning and you’re gonna do like a single-player like single character playthrough it’s like normally it’s a party RPG but you guys have decided to do you know one character hog mode absolutely that’s what it feels like right you guys living are you guys playing game are you guys playing the game of life on hardmode iron man yeah absolutely absolutely right yeah no save scumming no reloading just what’s that like I’m barely like leveling up I’m like not even getting to the next level sometimes I you know have a good kill streak but for the most part in the long run I I can do way better than this so I think that says it all right if I’d say there’s one thing that I think all of you guys overwhelmingly agree with it’s I can do way better than this yeah where’d you guys get that idea what’s that where does that come from social pressures say more about that bear I mean I guess culturally my my family is always all about trying to me trying to get me to get my doctorate or or just be successful and a monetary value but not emotionally I just kind of weighs a heavy burden on its own yeah do you mind if I ask what your ethnicity is my parents are from Pakistan okay yeah so I mean I don’t know if you guys so South Asian parents and East Asian parents especially for people who immigrated from our country of origin tend to be very very status oriented they really believe that and I’m sure I mean this is true of not just those cultures but dr. Angelou yeah right so and and it’s tough because what they do is they make you feel like your value as a human being is related to things that you check off on a list like bear have you gotten your doctorate yet no I’m actually about to start my Master’s burger oh my goodness that’s just completely unacceptable yeah yeah right and and they they make you feel like I mean that’s that’s your measure of value as a human being like it’s not that a human being can be more than that it’s just you know the measure of value of your degree for me like I can feel like my inner critic and my image of I guess the external critic is like it’s so simple just don’t touch your peepee you know and how can you how can you mess that up you know so I think that I left that inner critic unchecked for so many years that you know until it more recently I’ve been now we get the sense that we’re not alone yeah I still sort of even hearing that I still sort of maintain the idea that is like solo playing for me it’s just sort of really deeply ingrained even though I can intellectually resonate with that the feeling within me is still this is solo player yeah so what do you guys so in a sense it is right because ultimately I think when we think about especially addictions it’s we kind of think a little bit about you know ultimately it’s an it’s an internal journey like no one is gonna slap a chastity belt on you right it struggles that you have to you know deal with on a on a day to day basis but at the same time I think that there is some amount of you know there’s there’s a different kind of balance that has to be struck so I think at the end of the day these are you know it’s it’s like the only person that is how can I say this you know at the end of the day the important thing is that Tony not touch his peepee right like it’s not about us not touching his peepee it’s about Tony not touching his peepee and so and so that there is there is a certain amount of single player earnest to this like absolutely so any kind of substance or addiction that we deal with ultimately is like is gonna have a deep single like single player kind of component to it because no one else is gonna fix this for you it’s not about other people fixing you and at the same time I think that as people have kind of mentioned you know the way that you treat yourself is like different from the way that you treat other people and something about that I think is like incredibly toxic right so like Tony was talking a little bit about the way that he left left his inner critic unchecked I think it’s a beautiful way of putting it in the case of bear it sounds like a lot of his criticism is not actually coming from internally it’s coming from externally but I’d say also in bears case that all of those external statements have created a standard that you measure yourself against right so you accept their premises and they become your premises it’s internalized absolutely so there is something incredibly singleplayer about this so my next question kind of goes to primary I mean sort of Richard but anyone can answer so Richard sort of he played a little game where he pretended to be me for a second and and he sort of said like you kind of envisioned almost like what I was gonna say so what do you guys think my response is to what we’re talking about so like so it’s like a soft spot for me trying to defend it defend what this idea that I’m not a superhero that I that I do have kryptonite that’s what you think I’m gonna say no that’s what I think I sorry yeah that’s okay so I think yeah poor Tony what I think when I think you’re gonna say now is that a it’s not exactly a single-player game now you there’s components of single-player mode but it’s like all of us are playing single-player mode beside each other so the rules exactly tutorials we can share our experience we can route each other Wow we could hold each other accountable because it’s it’s your own game but you’re playing amongst brothers who actually for the most part know what you’re going through yeah that’s that’s my inference yeah so I think that’s a beautifully put I’m gonna add sort of another layer to it so I’m gonna just talk for a second about the superhero complex because I think that’s something that I certainly have felt from time to time like very deeply I think it’s something that resonates with our community a lot and so is it okay if I just kind of offer some thoughts about that so first thing is like you know I get the sense that a lot of people feel like they have to make up for lost time and in a sense like what you’ve got to do is like the the the more screwed up you are the more Herculean you have to be to sort of fix it so I remember like when I was failing out of college and also had had like a bad GPA so I graduated with like a 2.5 I felt like the only way that I could hold my head up with pride was to like do something that was superhuman like go to Harvard for medical school for example right so like the more behind you feel about yourself the higher the standard that you set to kind of like make things even does that make sense I’m gonna jump in and ask a question yeah has anyone here watched the movie limitless okay it kind of feels like that in the sense that like you’re like at the start of the movie he’s a failed writer and then he takes this pill unleashes his genius and he becomes God basically you sort of feel like you have to do that yeah right so you feel like you have to does it like so the more behind you feel in life the more messed up you feel the more it requires something like really really huge to fix that right because and I think this kind of goes back to just the struggle and like Aaron’s like imagery at the beginning which is the size of the struggle that you guys are dealing with is just so big and insurmountable that an ordinary human can’t do it what do you guys think about that well I think another part of it for at least for me is that sometimes my ego feels like you know what I am superhuman I’m just gonna allow myself to [ __ ] up because I know I can catch up later you know I can fix this later you know I’m I’m a smart guy I have a lot of potential I’m just gonna solve this problem later I know I could compensate for it I know a miracle I can pull off miracles and I can do this later so that’s another part of it I’m not sure if other people relate to that it’s like it’s hundreds oh yeah I see a lot of people nodding when you guys go back and it goes back and forth between the say shame and then pride so maybe two two sides of the same coin yeah what do y’all think for me at least I guess I was at one extreme when I was younger where I just continually thought that like I I had a massive ego I was at the top of the world it was one and big ambitious I still have extremely big ambitions for this have a different perspective on it now it’s more like I’m scum but I guess I sort of think of it as anything that I’m able to accomplish as someone as low as I am if I can do it then maybe I can demonstrate to others that anything is possible if someone is bass and Lobos meet can do it as well um I kind of resonate with the feeling of like I’m smart I can do this later and it almost feels like manic depression where you can oscillate between feeling like I can’t achieve anything in life – I can become God and you can just keep swinging back and forth like that that’s like when I was younger my my teacher when I was about probably 9 or 10 suggested that I be moved up either 2 or 3 years in school and she didn’t want to move me further because it would be disruptive because of the age difference like with teenagers but I refused because I was kind of afraid of that and she wanted me to go to Oxford and I feel like I’m now at a point where I’ve failed that but there’s still a part of me that thinks I could put a miracle out of the bag and it’s this constant oscillation between thinking I’m gonna be homeless or like a multi-millionaire and there’s no in-between like it’s just one or the other all the time so Toni’s laughing yeah absolutely I’m either gonna you know become not even a billionaire but like just partially like a Messiah Complex and or just oh my god I I just want to fade into nothingness and you know if a hint of nihilism comes in when I’m at hello and then my sia complex when I’m at my high and that oscillation between there is as real and and then sometimes the lows get lower because okay I’ve been oscillating between these two modes for how many years now and if I’m being almost honest with myself maybe I do need help so can’t do this myself okay so we’ve come far away from porn addiction but I think this is really important to talk about so I mean I hope people who are watching find this useful so I’m gonna try to offer once again a little bit more kind of like of my opinion about this subject so the first question is like so let’s let’s just define what we’re talking about so I think that when you guys we’re talking about porn addiction this particular problem recruits part of our psychology which is this like complete failure versus superhuman amazing person like Messiah genius versus you know no one who’s sitting at home playing video games and jerking off so this is a part of us that doesn’t just rely like it’s not just porn addiction that taps into this right it’s like professional expertise it’s dating life which we should probably switch to dating in a few minutes you know it’s it’s like making money it’s being respected it’s no FAP it’s like all of this stuff where and and you guys are noticing that it you oscillate quickly between these two things whether the two things actually seem to be like really connected right so it’s it’s it’s almost like you know sort of saying like oh I keep on oscillating between being awake and being asleep at night and it’s like yeah well that’s because like sleeping and waking fullness are like fundamentally connected so these are two modes that you operate between it’s the first question is do you guys think that playing this game of sometimes feeling like a genius and sometimes feeling like a piece of [ __ ] like is that a good strategy to live life does it work so far okay so then the question is how do we free ourselves of what I call the problem of escalating impossibility which is that the further you fall the more you escalate what you need to do to make yourself kind of feel better so like at the beginning it’s a little bit impossible and then after you a year goes by it becomes even more impossible and even more impossible so in in ghosts case he had a chance to skip a couple of grades and then it became Oxford and now it’s like he has to do something even bigger right so how do we free ourselves from that any idea it feels like it feels like arrogance maybe a play somewhere yes absolutely it can it can feel like um I’m gonna give myself all these debuffs and watch what I can do yeah watch me succeed even with the D puffs yeah it feels kind of like some showmanship and it’s like making your life harder than it has to be just to prove a point yep but I’m not entirely sure that comes from life go for Tony I for myself I think my extreme side thinks that okay I just have to change everything I’m doing because all that I’ve been doing has gotten me the same results so I have to do everything differently or I think my why’s itself kind of this thinking maybe I just have to change one key thing and it’s very I do it very gently and you know I almost be effortless okay if I if I just find the right thing that I have to change so I’m gonna go back to ghosts so what we’ll put a pin in what Tony said which is essentially change everything versus change one thing and ghosts you kind of said that you don’t know where that arrogance comes from where do you think it comes from I think there’s like a really just vast supply of anger that’s stored and it’s like almost I don’t have to what it okay so you guys get that like the part of you that wants to be super human wants to make up for the rest of you right like that’s why you you you are you switch between being like ego to like like super genius brilliant capable of anything and like nothing so that you guys see how there’s like actually balance there and the worse you feel about yourself the more you begin to fantasize about what you’re capable of so that’s your your minds way of actually protecting you from that shame so it starts to build up this kind of fantasy that you can accomplish this and you can do this and you’re gonna show in and ghosts also mention let your gonna like show something to someone that part of this like you know I’m gonna debuff myself and then I’m gonna do it and then I’m gonna show them who’s them yeah it’s kind of bright sure like who are you who are you trying to do that for what are you trying that’s a demonstration do you guys get that the goals that you set yourself are a demonstration and a demonstration has an audience right it’s not actually like just internal you’re actually you know no fapping for everybody else right so what what are you trying to demonstrate and who are you trying to demonstrate it to maybe could be for just looking for someone to like give you recognition and affection that you have been like missing out on for a long time okay so recognition from others and what will that do if you get recognition from others there’s the shameful part and then there’s the Massiah part right there’s the person whose level zero and there’s a person whose level 100 if you get recognition from others who does that help it reinforces our image of the level 100 Pro but it feels like it helps the little zero absolutely so you guys see like the two are linked right because the person who’s really hungry for recognition man you could say they’re both hungry for recognition and then there’s one other person so like so when we demonstrate to the rest of the world that we’re capable of succeeding despite all of our difficulties so that’s important to show the rest of the world and then who else are we trying to show our case absolutely right so you guys like that’s what you want you guys get that like on the deepest level it’s not actually about other people it’s it’s like Richard said I mean he wants to be able to do it by himself and and he wants to be you know he wants to be an example to others but like so I don’t know I don’t know how to say this beyond just saying it he wants to be an example to others the focus of that statement is actually not on other people the focus he’s not saying I want to help others he wants to be an example for others it’s actually a deeply egotistical statement yeah right like you want to be the inspiration for them and there’s there’s a part of that that is absolutely altruistic and absolutely designed like wanting to help others the problem is that there’s this other weird complex that kind of like hijacks that a little bit like it’s not about helping others it’s about being the person who is Superman like he’s not trying to trick like if you know he could very easily just lie to everyone and say that he’s doing it and inspire people that way right like he can just tell everyone look everyone I’m doing it you can do it too just live his entire life as a live positivity and you can maybe inspire tons of people and so I think it’s good that you guys don’t do that right because I think the other crazy thing here is I’m gonna ask other people so do you think that Richard if Richard had after last week been transformed and become Superman versus Richard stumbling after ten days and then we continue to watch Richards you know growth over over time which one do you think is actually gonna help people more definitely the ladder yeah the stumbling because if if people see the example where it’s just instantaneous it’s like look guys I did it I did this superhuman feat and they attempt it and then based on bull then they feel like that different and that they’ve failed in some way I say see a stumble success story they say oh this person’s human and they succeeded therefore I can do it sit right because here’s the thing if if Richard wakes up one day in a Superman anything that he discovers about his life in his playbook doesn’t apply to anyone else because they’re not they’re not supermen buying exceptional means that everyone else isn’t is not everyone can be exceptional yes or yeah but I think everyone can be exceptional but I I think we’re talking about the same thing right so I I think the first thing to understand is that you know when it comes to this kind of stuff so like all of us are flawed and none of us are supermen so Richard is right in terms of you know what he hypothesized I was gonna say but I think the trick here is not letting go of the Superman it’s actually letting go of the idea that you’re a failure because the Superman arises out of the idea that you’re a [ __ ] right so what you really need to do if you want to be free from this whole complex is don’t try to be ordinary just just understand that like stumbling is a part of life right and like Tony was kind of saying that like you know the game the goal of meditation is not to have a still mind the goal of meditation is to be able to bring your mind back to a point where you want it to every time your mind wanders and you bring it back to where you want it to that’s doing a push-up because you’re strengthening the capacity for you to control your mind and it’s like excelling in spire floors rather than being flawless exactly so so if I have to pick a strategy in life it’s not perfection it’s damage control so just think about this like if you’re trying to like play a game like you know there are different kinds of builds you can do I don’t know if you got I play RPGs so like you know there’s like evasion tanking which is the idea that you have a low HP pool and you never get hit and then there’s also like damage mitigation with a healer like evasion tanking is like a super high-risk high-reward kind of strategy because if you get a hit once you’re dead the more reliable strategy is learning damage control so to accept that you’re gonna [ __ ] up and learn how to fix it so I’d say that you know a lot of my success comes from the basic idea that I’m gonna just kind of suck at life and that that’s okay and that I can learn and I can grow and I can improve so Richard says that I failed after ten days I’ve been doing my best to you know put my psychiatrist face on and not actually show my emotion but there’s a part of me that’s like that’s amazing man you went ten days without jerking off yeah so like can we just like pause to just think about that for a second like if you skydive man boom if you school like what if you screw up once every ten days when it comes to masturbation that’s actually just a normal amount of masturbation or even less normal a naughty percent success rate like that’s what you’re looking for you’re not looking for celibacy I mean maybe you are no fab right so like whatever y’all’s goals are but like like it this is the other thing so people think I’m gonna just talk for a second about sobriety and and relapse and all that kind of crap we can talk about this too but I’m just gonna share some thoughts so like you know people don’t get sober overnight even though that’s how they perceive it so like what happens when you go to an a a meeting is like you know you see a guy who’s like yeah I’m here for my one-year chip and other dudes there for their five-year chip and so what people look at is they look at someone and they see five years of sobriety that started one like five years ago on the day they look at one year of sobriety that started one year ago and that’s our perception of success because success is being sober for a year for five years and the dude who’s five years sober do you guys know how old he is 55 you guys been to a meetings like there a lot of old dudes at AAA meetings right okay so it’s worthwhile to go to an a a meeting like once in your life I think it’s a wonderfully inspirational experience probably one of my best experiences from that school actually and so the interesting thing is that like you know sobriety is something that you practice so when I work with people what I see is like okay they’ve been using for 18 months and then they go like three months of sobriety and then they relapse and they feel awful about themselves and we work through that and then they go nine months without using and then they relapse and they feel awful about that over time the duration between their relapses increases and the severity of their relapses and duration of their relapses actually goes down so there are some times where I really like stop and think because I feel like should I actually so either I’ve even even patients that I’m considered sort of terminating with so like not firing but sort of saying hey I don’t think I can help you because you keep on relapsing and so as a provider I stop and I think like okay I’m not just not getting through to this person but when I actually stop and I like go through my notes I realize oh this guy has had two relapses in the last 24 months and for the five years before that they were using pretty much every day so like understand that relapse is a part of it but what you need to look at is like how long does the relapse last how bad is it and how much how quickly can you kind of get back on the wagon does that make sense yeah and so you guys are gonna [ __ ] up but like that’s normal like you’re you’re learning you’re like learning how to control this thing and they’re gonna be periods of times where you guys are gonna do a good job at it and they’re gonna be periods of times that you’re gonna do a bad job at it and there are gonna be times where you do a good job and something really unfortunate is gonna happen in your life that is going to emotionally wear on you and then your capacity for like willpower and discipline is gonna get tanked because you’re dealing with all this emotional crap right so like the first question that pops into my I don’t think there’s actually true but you know I someone like Richard I’d be really careful about like the way that your dad judges you and whether that relates to you fapping and when I talked to out like some of you other guys like it sounds like there are other things that go on like Tony sort of says he thinks it’s a symptom of a problem when we talked to bear that too is like his way of getting out of his like head in his analysis paralysis and his feelings of like shame for not being what his like cultural group wants him to be and so if we really think about it like it’s not just the fapping it’s like all this other crap in the real solution is to deal with all of those things right because if bear is like securing the person he is if he learns how to train his mind a little bit better if Tony not only stops trying to change everything all at once and then Tony’s trying to change one thing at a time what Tony really needs to learn how to do is change nothing right so Tony needs to accept where he is and that mistakes are gonna be made and that he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be and that over time he can change his life but that fundamentally there’s nothing wrong with him so if you feel like you have to change something that means that something’s not right but this is important to understand you can only be like I don’t know if this is this is gonna make no sense okay so you guys can only be the things that you are you can’t be anyone else like bear you can’t be in a doctoral program right now like it’s just not possible like like reality is like one thing a reality is not actually possibilities reality is not like reality is just what it is does that make sense look I know this is gonna sound weird can you reader iterate on the possibilities reality is not possibilities yes are you guys right now like you can’t be anywhere except for where you are like it is literally impossible for you to be anything but who you are where you are when you are in this moment only then now there’s no actual future there’s no past it’s only there now yeah and the present is the only place in which you have agency you can’t change the past by thinking about it and you can’t change the future but you only have agency to change things in the exact Karma yes and so since you let so this is gonna sound absolutely crazy but since you do not have the power to go into the past and change your decisions you actually have no power to be except for where you are that’s like nearly impossible Oh God just to share my experience I every time I’m reminded of that I can take a deep breath and accept that and then maybe you know it could be an hour later or a day later then I lose that that that mindset of just allowing myself to be me so I I in a way I relate that to relapsing every time I forget that I all I need to do is just be myself right now that’s a win but then when I forget that that’s to me it’s like parallel to a relapse yep yeah because because what so the thing that that results in relapse so when you are able to be where you are now you enter sort of like a non-judgmental state you’re free from a lot of the things that you turn to pornography to protect you from feelings of shame just wanting to relieve what’s going on in your head like so sometimes just the process in your head can be just so burdensome and just sucks it’s like you know it’s like so I used to hate PE class because it was just dumb and it was like I would just run in a circle for like 30 minutes and I was like not very athletic and part of the other problem was I was younger than everyone else in my grade so you know it’s like seven and was playing like sports with eight-year-olds like you’re at a huge disadvantage and I just never understood that so I thought I was just bad at it sports and things like that but like PE just sucked and it felt like I was just like it just felt torturous like I’m just running around for like half an hour and it’s just awful I don’t feel good physically I don’t feel good mentally and and you’re just in your head and it just feels like really really burdensome and you just want it to stop and then along comes porn addiction or video games or any number of other or drugs that can make it stop right and so why wouldn’t you use it because you just want to stop what’s that whatever is going on in your head I mean what’s going on in your head is coming from a couple of places the first is you know I was saying like you know the problem isn’t fixing the Messiah the problem is letting go of feeling ashamed of yourself like if you can be comfortable with the person that you are today you don’t need anything to make you feel better right if you can be what other if you can tell yourself what other people in this chat are telling you if you can Richard if you can start channeling the voice of these folks instead of your dad right if you can talk to yourself in that way then it becomes easier to be the person that you are and if you can like if you can be tranquil in the moment then the need for porn addiction goes down not saying it’s just all cured right because they’re also like habits and other kinds of like like neurons play but I I think that’s really I mean all this stuff comes down to just being comfortable with where you are and accepting that just because you’ve made mistakes in life just because you didn’t jump ahead to grades just because you’re not an adduct role program just because you didn’t go to Oxford just because you didn’t finish cleaning the garage on time or any number of other things right that like actually you’re not in a stream holding on to a log you’re in a kiddie pool and you can just put your feet on the ground and you can get out of the water but that’s not what it feels like can I interrupt you really yeah of course um so I was yesterday for the Miss gift stream you were talking about ADHD and how he had certain tendencies like the need to be funny when he feels stupid is strengthening that went what’s the wind I or Vetta I ever yeah and so I’m trying to think of it now how I’m using this kind of like superhero complex and you said something that I stopped you on it’s reality you can’t you can’t live in possibility you can only live in reality when I’m in those tough moments when like let’s say when I get urges I like do this thing where you know how like the superhero complex there’s the flip coin there’s that there’s a superhuman and then there’s the the level zero screw-up and in my strengthening so like how misc if was strengthening his relationship with his ire Vetta like using that tendency over and over again am i doing that by living in that possibility when I’m when I’m in this when I’m in this urge state and I live into the possibility of being perfect and being a superhuman am i reinforcing that complex when I live into that possibility absolutely so in my opinion yes so I think the key thing that’s why we started with so like when you when we think about ourselves as a superhuman that comes with the other side you guys see that because a superhuman is born out of shame and that’s why if you hear what everyone is saying everyone talks about Oscillation no one here has said oh I feel half of it but I don’t feel the other half like just think about that for a second there’s no look without lying exactly right so this is the concept of something in sanskrit called Advait Vedanta which means non dualism that duality is fundamentally false and all that is is what is right you’re not Richard you’re not good you’re not bad you’re just you you’re not sufficient you’re not insufficient you’re just you right like like the only thing that you are is like what you are and where you are and that’s all there is and so in this moment you either have the capacity to resist the urge or you don’t have the capacity to resist the urge and you have to be careful because if you have an addictive brain your addictive brain is gonna say oh yeah I don’t have the capacity to resist the urge and then you notice that and you recognize okay is that the addictive brain that’s talking or do I really have the capacity to resist the urge and then you realize that whether you have the capacity to resist the urge or not is dependent on you because capacity is about the future it’s not about the now it’s a potentials thing which is it’s a potential state which is yes and if I had to ask you Richard you know like how did you go ten days without fapping or watching porn or whatever you know like mmm oh this is great yeah I was I just filled my day with doing stuff and then by the end of the day I was already so exhausted that I just went to bed so like like you see how that has no there’s no capacity there’s no potential that is just doing mm-hmm what you filled your days with stuff that’s your solution right that you engage in the present time and time and time again and I don’t know what happened on day ten so there could be all kinds of yeah yeah I guess there’s an element of like I was just exhausted I didn’t like when I was doing stuff beforehand on the tenth day I didn’t have that energy to do stuff and then what I did is I just I was just out of energy I don’t know yeah so and like that sounds like so that sounds forgivable to me now I don’t know exactly what a relapse looks like for you guys right so like sometimes and this is where you know how okay is it to relapse I think it depends on what a relapse looks like so I mean I I’m an addiction psychiatrist in my day job so I work with people who you know their relapses look bad like and fatally I’ve had two people I’ve worked with in the last year have passed away unfortunately and and so like it’s relapses can be bad and in your case like what does a relapse look like like what relapses look like for you guys for me it’s just like anywhere between a wasted hour to three hours and just a bad feeling afterwards and then just wanting to be alone afterwards then not wanting to be productive afterwards and not wanting to be social afterwards for how long so we have the the overall effect including the relapse itself and the shameful afterglow anywhere between an hour to the rest of the day yeah okay it feels like the definition is really subjective and it’s kind of I feel like you just have to be honest with your in a sense of I feel like you sort of just know whether you’ve relapsed or not but you can lie to yourself and kind of rationalize that something wasn’t relapse with really arbitrary metrics I guess so it’s just all about honesty with yourself err did you want to say something you’ve been yeah relapse for me it’s it can be wildly variant but like it can be as Tony said where it’s just like happens and then there’s like a period of shamefulness and then uh when like for example my depression was really bad it can like end up where the shame like feeds into negative loop thoughts cycle and then like things get very mentally serious for me and then you can get very possibly lethal for me yeah right so I I think you know that there is a lot of individuality to this and also frankly a wide spectrum of severity right so I mean if you also suffer from depression or whatnot like it’s you got to be careful because all this stuff like feeds on like they’re all buddies like this is the problem is like you guys are playing a single-player game but like your demons are playing multiplayer like you guys are so low cueing and they’re like a five stack and it [ __ ] sucks if the solo carry yeah like you’re playing with a bunch of these pubs who like you’d rather have bots on your team and then they’re you know like your depression being for an addiction and your video game addiction and your you know shame from not having a job and your shame from not having a girlfriend like the five of them queue up and then like you know I don’t know if you guys have seen this like I play dota but like when people’s like you know when they’re like the pictures next to their names like line up to form an image you guys see Matt and like that’s when you know like when it’s like the bare bones of your old Kim Jang Geun or something and then and you know they’re also like different they’re different ranks right so like some people have bad depression so it’s like some like you know some high level player who’s smurfing I used to play overwatch with a couple of buddies of mine who were pros and they would just it would be a [ __ ] joke when I would play tracer and he just killed their entire team over and over and over and over and over again and so the result was that I never learned how to play overwatch he would literally like be like 27 and Oh at the end of the game he would just give all of them and so I still don’t know how to play overwatch but it’s it’s tough right so I think when it when it comes down to it you know if I have to summarize so the first thing to understand is that be careful about your fantasies in your Superman because is bizarre as that sounds like the reason that you guys believe in your Superman is because you guys actually are capable of that because Superman has existed for you and you’ve gone the extra mile and you’ve done things that are actually superhuman and so on the one hand I want you guys to understand that you know a lot of people think about teams is there like like who you are like you try to define by your weakest link like that’s what we do we define ourselves by our low points in life but what you should really do is define yourself by your high point because that’s actually what you’re capable of right and it’s not about the future it’s not about hope it’s not about fantasy it’s about what you’ve actually done before if you can go ten days without fapping you can go ten days again if you can go three years without a drink you can go three years again like if you’ve done it once you can do it again that’s something that we know right like that’s a statement of fact you can do it again the second thing is to be aware that like you have to let go of your Superman complex and you have to let go of your level zero newb you have to let go of the person who’s [ __ ] up because like as crazy as it sounds like you couldn’t have been different before right you’re not the person that you are today you’re every day makes you uxp up a little bit and you like learn things and you level up your skill like that’s what happens in life do you guys like Remember Who y’all were five years ago like you remember that kid yeah like that kid didn’t know anything right you learned so much and just because you don’t have a doctorate or like your life – isn’t moving forward in kind of a very noticeable way doesn’t mean that you aren’t getting better and this kind of goes back to this idea of the ten year overnight success so like you know people think of all of these like institutions as overnight successes and I mean if you just look at them you know slates in progress absolutely so like a good example that I use with is Airbnb you guys know what Airbnb is so air B&B launched four times they had three launches that were just complete failures and then their fourth launch was wildly successful like even when it comes to healthy gamer it’s like you know I used to get together on back in 2000 the end of 2017 and I started working with gamers on discord there were like 10 of us we worked together for a year we were very very small and it was still fun and it was like really enjoyable and we helped people a lot and then over the past couple of weeks like literally weeks we’ve blown up but like this has been a story that’s like decades in the making and you guys just see like so this is where you know it also comes back to being Superman so something that I try very hard to do is like actually avoid the Messiah Complex of myself so people think I’m special my whole point is that I’m not right like the reason that I can say this stuff is because you know I used to play playstation and jerk off all the time when I was a freshman in college like that’s just what every day was it’s like skipping class jerking off playing PlayStation and apparently like making girls cry when they try to give you their number right like I mean just how bad is that’s just bad guys that’s bad yeah I did all of that except for the PlayStation yeah so props dude so do you have a time to get into relationship absolutely let’s do it yeah quicker wait um just I want to host like one question gallon you mentioned like doshas before I just wanted to I’m curious if you have like a solid idea where everyone’s doshas here after just like an hour of talking to her sure do you have like a solid idea for everyone yeah I think so you want another thing artists that would be fun yeah okay so I think Richard is predominantly pizza I think bear is predominantly goof-up Aaron I think you were Vuitton gufa ghosts I think you’re bitten maybe Vata and Tony maybe I’m not so sure about Tony you have you have fought the features and Gotha features actually but hard to say yeah I think part of me just likes to be ambiguous and not be pigeonholed so for some reason I I think I subconsciously try to mmm be everything you know like all the good time like be amorphous yeah but let’s let’s move on to relationships go sorry I I want to just make sure we have time for this but I’m always I would love to talk more about my brother but that’s my initial instinct so who wants to so let’s talk about relationships well I’m not sure if this is appropriate before we move on I want to quickly say like you know I feel good about this and I love you guys for being here and thank you for sharing you know yeah especially into the hard parts yeah man and then with that being said relationships right now I feel like I’m avoiding relationships because I feel like I thought I don’t want a part of me feels like I’m I want that I want to be you know again the the level 100 pro first otherwise bad things will happen otherwise the other person will get hurt and I also afraid of rejection I think that’s where I’m at who else wants to be perfect before they start no surprise right so what does that mean when I say who wants to be perfect before they start maybe it’s an idea go for it bear yep it’s like oh we bought we want to be that Superman that super super human being before we jump into something that might make us more vulnerable why why is it important to be perfect before you start okay will table it so first of all being perfect before you start is that damage mitigation with healing or evasion tanking evasion very good guys see that good so we’ll get we’ll get to what that means okay so and then also Tony you said is that you you know you want to be level 100 before you start and then what was the other thing that’s keeping you from engaging in a relationship so what I feel really down when in wouldn’t in the past I’ve let people down and I’m especially hurt when other people are hurt so those and I think I’ve been scarred from that you know I’m because I’ve let myself down so many times I’m kind of that to some degree but it really hurts when yeah thank you when other people that I care about are genuinely hurt and then that’s part of me can’t forgive myself for hurting other people for being reckless or just not being prepared or not being responsible for what I am putting myself into other people have just general thoughts about the way that they view relationships my well I guess as of right now I’m just avoiding relationships because last one I was then I was cheated on and so like sorry two of them well yeah it’s fine it just goes further to reinforce like I haven’t had self-confidence issues in a while but when something like that happens it goes to destroy a lot of progress than making that area and then also my relationships that have always just been a mess I just can’t seem to find a healthy relationship I’ve been in a relationship to where I was like I break up with them and then I was like harassed for months after by them relationships or like I’ve been cheated on yeah it’s just never been healthy interactions with me with relationships that sucks man yeah and for me like every time I hear horror stories from other people you know it makes me feel like like [ __ ] I don’t want to get involved with that then you know with all the bad news that I hear and you know I just I’m just filled with fear and and pain avoidance every time I hear something like that happens and on top of that you know I didn’t have my parents be in a best relationship as I was going older and even to this point so that’s for me that’s a big part of it just not seeing a healthy relationship right in front of my eyes over and over again so that I can be inspired and I can model that down to my subconscious level I like that yeah I resonate with that too I actually just got out of like one of those horror story relationships where it was a whole lot of gaslighting abuse to the point where I was beginning to become delusional and my friends my family and even my therapist started to turn on me to a certain things it was it’s a very crazy situation I don’t know if this is voyeuristic but I find myself being very curious curious how I yeah me too I’m willing to answer all questions I very respect curiosity yeah bear I’m particularly surprised that in a relationship it sounds like everyone around you turned on you that’s really I don’t think I’ve heard of that happening even including your therapist like that’s really strange so it was I’m a really highly empathetic individual and I’m very agreeable and YX was I mean I would label her as a covert narcissist and she just kind of got everyone to turn on me I don’t really know how but they were they got to the point where my friends in my family and even my therapist started to Gaslight me along with with the same stories that she would tell me it sounds awful man yeah for those who I mean maybe something you gather I know but from what I’ve heard and read when you’re very empathic you naturally attract narcissists to know to take advantage of that situation hundreds yeah and then to add on to that like I think I’m naturally empathic and then being afraid of being hurt by narcissist I kind of shove away my empathy sometimes and sometimes I’m a jerk so I don’t get taken advantage of and then sometimes if I’m not careful I’m paranoid of becoming a narcissist myself like I’m swinging to the other extreme yeah you know I’m always asking myself oh my god am I gonna become a narcissist and my you know cuz I want to be the other and like I shift what I’d rather hurt people or be hurt you know whereas I’d rather be just me I’ve been described as um by like multiple girls as impenetrable in the sense that they feel like when they try to get through to me someone said that they even if they talk to me for years they feel like they wouldn’t truly know me like they know other people and the as much depth as other people have they feel like everyone has a core but I’ve been told that they feel like with me it’s just more and more less and then I was telling this to one of my friends and then he said that it seems like it’s a shifting puzzle that you can peel back a larren and the whole thing reshapes and then you’re even more confused and it’s like this subconscious thing where I just can’t let anyone in and it’s like I’ve never truly seen and I don’t know it’s or just terrifies me what terrifies you there’s a lot of aspects to it like feels like I don’t know the depth of my self which is quite scary and it’s like maybe I can never truly be myself in front of anyone not even myself because of what what I may find that you know that’s so significant that I’m blocking it even for myself and then maybe I can’t ever unravel that puzzle so I’m gonna ask the group a question and I want to give Richard a chance to share if he wants to but do you guys feel like you’ll be all know ghosts yeah kind of yeah yeah what do you think about that Ghost well actually two it goes just so you understand where I’m coming from I feel like I like I know where you’re coming from but you just take it a one or two steps further but not that far not not too far from from my Syrian coast what do you think of um okay I kind of I understand why you’d say that but I also feel like there are multiple aspects to a person in that you can have a persona and you can either sort you’re getting do you think we’re getting a persona I think you’re getting hints of every so often there’s like a moment of depth but then it can kind of go back to persona like there’s a lot of things that I just don’t say sure and I would say that most of the people here know who you are how does that sit with you I’m not sure I agree because I feel like yep how would it sit with you what is so I know you don’t agree but how does it sit with you if people do know who you are uncomfortable because I’m not sure that I know who I am yeah I’d like to be able to have people know who I am and be my authentic self but I I kind of just it feels like I’ve my entire life I felt like a hurricane that just destroys anything that gets too close so I try to keep people away and that’s sort of why I evade and that it’s a combination of not wanting to get hurt but also not wanting to hurt others so ghosts I’m gonna interrupt you in a very insensitive way just ask the group cuz I’m gonna just I’m gonna bludgeon you with a hammer so so would you guys describe your experiences with ghosts would you guys describe him as a tornado that hurts everything in its path definitely not potentially to be honest potentially yeah what do you guys see he’s very insightful very very ins he’s caring he tries to uh it’s always trying to rationalize things and ways and connects to people in ways that way they can feel more personal with what’s going on so very I guess little it’s a little selfless thing to do but it’s like appreciated stop ghost is cool as [ __ ] look at him right now he is stoic you know his accent he’s in the shadow of it now look at that that’s so [ __ ] cool Wow yeah ghost everything he said just him like a u-turn it was completely alien to me I don’t I don’t see that I see someone expressing an authentic vulnerable side to themselves on stream and I don’t see any tornado I don’t see any shifting puzzle and does anyone else see that I don’t see so ghosts like generally speaking like the people on this stream tend to be pretty right right like when they say stuff I think that like I I would I would venture that you think that what they have to say or the way that you’ve demonstrated yourself maybe you’re you know putting on a persona is that you you tend to respect and value what other people say it seems like a lot of what they’ve said has resonated with you and a lot of what you’ve said is resonated with them would you agree with that yeah I would agree with that so how I feel like how do you explain that these guys think that you’re this awesome person they also know who you are they’re strangers across the internet you guys have presumably been talking about porn addiction for a couple of hours what how how does that work I think I be caring but maybe it’s that’s definitely a destructive streak in me trauma that can be quite unsettling because it like that definitely is this caring part to me but when people see that destructive element of me it kind of terrifies them because they wonder how there can be such I’m almost sort of scared of that part of myself sure like a like the Jungian shadow in a sense I guess yeah I also have that sort of sense that’s why I’m not afraid of it seen it myself and I guess um I think I’m quite I’m a few years older than you so I like I’m used to it more so that’s why I’m not really afraid of it like when you talked earlier about this like sea of anger that you might have I resonated a lot with me but uh yeah I’m not afraid of it can you tell us about a little bit about how your relationship with Aaron your your sea of anger has changed over time a lot of it was there was always like a focal point to it when I was younger it was like my circumstances and other people and when I got a little bit older it turned into me and y’all just get stuck in like this whirlpool swirling around and it ends it’s just always centered on you and then I hit a point in my life where I just like hit rock bottom so hard that it bounced off the floor and kind of broke who I was and my ego and once that happens it was just like all the raging waters of anger just sort of like calmed down I was able to just be yes that that resonates Arlo in the sense of like you said that you sort of directed out yourself and I’m wondering if that’s because you did that come from you not wanting to hurt other people so you felt if I’m gonna hurt anyone it’s gonna be myself is that what okay yeah oh yeah that makes a lot yeah that resonates like really deeply yes I was so scared of hurting others and like I still have that like innate fear that I can be like a little insensitive or I can like what the switch then all of a sudden I’m like this just evil person and I can just hate everyone and everything and I won’t care about anyone but I guess you start to realize that uh I don’t know you everything just seems to calm down once you find those connections with people and the more that you find is the more that it seems to like calm the waters when I was uh when I was fifteen my plan was like I felt like all I was was just a ball of suffering and I felt like a ticking time bomb and I thought if I go on living like this and I go on trying to interact with people I’m just going to spread as much suffering into the world as possible so the most productive solution I saw in my fifteen year old brain was I’m just gonna isolate myself completely from everyone sever ties be annoying because if I’m this ticking time bomb the best thing I can do is kill myself so to minimize the impact of my death I’ll just push everyone as far away as possible to the point where everyone forgets about me because the further they are from the explosion the less hurt they are and I thought this that in the short term suicide would hurt other people more but in the long run I would prevent any further damage that I could do to people but I’ve since kind of I’ve sat with that that self-hate for so long in like the last month I’ve kind of gotten just sick of it to the point where off like the first time in 18 years of my life I actually am trying to be my own advocate and view myself as a person that’s worthy of happiness because I never thought it was yeah I want to relate that to that just a bit like yesterday there was events going in my house that were triggering me and you know usually I would just kind of abandon my inner child but then yesterday I just kind of like try to soothe myself and be my own advocate be my own friend and just like be there for myself and kind of let the outer triggering shitty world kind of fade out and just be there with myself and like you know take care of my my inner you know just take care of myself like my inner child like like Tony it’s it’s alright man I’m with you man I’m gonna take care of you like it’s gonna be [ __ ] shitty outside but I’m here for you yeah yeah I’m glad to hear them actually and if you don’t mind you said that your ego you had to experience that brokered ego and then everything calmed down can you just give a um I’m not sure how into detail I can go into it on streem other than volts yeah it’s um I had two very near-death experiences and I guess that puts a lot of pressure on the mind and it just sort of um it was almost like flicking a switch and everything just seemed to calm down almost like an apathetic state but because I wasn’t like born apathetic i stoled like knew what emotions were I was I’ve been able to like slowly like reintroduce myself mature way like how to process emotions out to you like be frustrated instead of like raging you like be just like sad and be able to grieve instead of just being like writhing and despair just like being able to tone back the extremities of those emotions and also turn back the Messiah Complex that I had thanks for sharing your I want to just kind of so I have man so many questions so first is like we’re talking about some dark [ __ ] how do you guys feel good Sara oh good I feel good I feel great weird good yeah like this is some real I mean this is some dark stuff right and even ghosts even has his SIF lighting on so I mean we’re talking about this you know we’re talking about the Maori Jedi’s okay so we’re talking about you know different we’re talking about just a lot of bad stuff and yet have you guys seen the comments from the YouTube the comments to the YouTube video of our last session not particularly no so I don’t usually look at like our own social media cuz I just try to steer clear of it but that is some of the most inspiring [ __ ] I’ve ever seen can you give like in it’s hard to describe just just the overwhelming amount of positivity and hope that the last stream is created from for random people who comment on YouTube videos is staggering and oh my YouTube comments are accessible so that’s that’s good to hit I’ve just as stunned as you are right so like you you take a place like YouTube and like you guys know what YouTube comments are like right it’s like worse than twitch at its the underbelly of society it’s the worst and then you take a group of people talking about porn addiction and you stick that on YouTube and you expect you know just the cesspool of the cessful like for all the people who live in the cesspool you go into their septic tank and that’s what it should create yeah and yet somehow something something very strange is happening here that you guys are talking about some really dark and bad [ __ ] right you’re talking about being tornadoes of destruction for the people around you you guys are talking about gas lighting and abuse and you know being angry and suicidal and and nearly dying and you know walking to death’s door and cracking it open a little bit and peeking through into seeing what’s on the other side and yet you all feel ok you all feel good we’ve got ghosts who’s terrified that no one is ever gonna understand him because he doesn’t understand himself and then like the rest of us are just like scratching our heads were like we get you dude like we understand who you are and it’s it’s so confusing to him and I I mean I’m sure that all of you guys are really good at bullshitting I’m sure all of you guys are really good at lying but I also think that y’all are really good at sniffing out other people’s [ __ ] and I think if there was someone who’s both bullshitting in here we would be able to sniff him out pretty quick you can’t create what’s happening here if there’s someone who’s full of [ __ ] right so there’s something really like special going on and by the way we’re supposed to be talking about relationships so I’m gonna switch back there so I’m gonna quickly I think I’m gonna pat ourselves on the back because you know the reason I think the reason why the cesspool of YouTube comments were positive is because when when you can own who you are it’s respectable it means you have you know you have balls you know so I think it’s that’s why I think I love you guys because you guys own it too and then we’re doing it together so yeah that’s that’s a win for me yeah man Tony thanks for your repeated suppose are at the positivity dude sometimes I want to be a therapist too but uh I guess my moving lot moves on I think you’d be good at attorney you’re like a calming presence so I just want to acknowledge a couple things one is that you know so we’ve had some supposed to topics that we’re supposed to talk about but I just want to point out that we’re like kind of all over the place but I don’t think it’s really that we’re all over the place I think it’s just that like things are not things don’t stay in their buckets so what when I when I when I hear you guys talk about relationships what I really hear is there’s themes of fear first of all and most predominantly and secondly like like being afraid of like hurting other people and probably something about you don’t want to subject people to the person that you are I’m hearing that as well and you know in the case of you know I think this applies to I’m not getting that from Bayer which i think is completely fine so I don’t think everyone has to have the same experience but I think it bears case it sounds like he was just really in a toxic relationship and it sounds like you guys have all had toxic relationships and also you know what I am I don’t know if I’m really surprised by this or not but like a lot of times when we think about gamers or people on Twitter like our people like the problem is not that the relationships are full of hurt or fear or pain or toxicity it’s that they just can’t find them and so I’m in that group you want to share a little bit about what that’s been like oh I kind of just did this self but now I’m kind of zoning out because I kind of put all my attention on the superhero complex we’re trying to trying to kind of digest it have you yeah I’m definitely level one in that arena and I I definitely want to be that perfect guy going into it so um I understand that now so I just accept the reality that I’m just level one and that I’ve also haven’t looked for any relationship so you know I can’t complain it’s just something I might got to yet so that’s that’s where I’m at and yeah so I’m just trying to think about because we’re gonna have to wrap up it a little bit if there’s something that we can try to like tie together or take home about relationships and I realize we haven’t really done it justice so I was gonna just kind of you know so we can do a couple things and I’ll leave it to you guys to decide we can just kind of continue to talk sort of open forum because I think there’s a lot of value and we’re uncovering a lot or what we can do is you know pick one or two things to try to like probably one thing to explore and really come away with some sense of understanding about like how that one thing works what do you guys think would be a better use of our time maybe focus on the one thing I think the one thing and he is usually the one thing tends to be just a mindset or recognizing or be mindful of a state that we’re in I want to tie it down to a practice so that we stick to that one thing and that we embody that one thing over and over again or that we you know mitigate any triggers that remove us from that one thing okay you know yeah I got very practical mmm take away tying to that one thing okay yeah sure so I’m a fan of trying to keep things practical as well so I’d like to offer something for our one thing which is that why do you feel like you need to be perfect can we understand why you feel like you need to be level 100 before you enter a relationship and what does that do to you what does that do to your prospects for a relationship like where does that come from what do you guys think about that is a topic I think that’s a good topic does anybody else have suggestions for what to talk about works for me so let’s start with so why do you guys where does that feeling so you guys so who here feels like they want to be someone else before they engage in a relationship my caveat is I just want to be myself again once I could be myself again can I know I’ve been there like once I’m myself then I know it can be a pretty decent guy but there’s just thing I just I’m in a situation where I’m not for myself okay so why do you guys what is it that you want to be before you enter a relationship successful the idea why is it important to be what what if you were successful bear what would that change about how you approach relationships it would change my mentality of status and how I would value myself and how I feel like other people would would value me uh-huh how would you change how would it change how you value yourself I could reflect on all the there it’d be easier for me to reflect on all the good that I’ve done knowing that it’s it’s actually viable it’s a versus what I have now okay and how would that change your perception of how other people would see you well I’m I’m heavily influenced by how people see me and the way they see me now is not I guess not the best and then once I get to that that point success surely the that view would change but there’s no I guess a hundred percent confidence behind that what what do you mean by not the best how do they see you now uh I just graduated no job just kind of sitting at home playing video games do nothing so how do they see what does that mean unsuccessful I guess when you guys think about how do you get okay so let’s just leave it at that so I’m gonna ask a couple other people right so Richard what would you like to be before you enter into a relationship I get this sense that I’m not sure I I would love to be in a relationship it’s just I don’t I don’t know I’m not sure I’m no I’m just level zero at this point good answer so I think if you’re not if you’re not sure about something you should just say that so I’m gonna just bounce around because I’m gonna try to pull out themes okay so ghosts what would you like to be different before you enter a relationship I’m kind of thinking of two different answers okay one of them is whole but that reminds me of when you were talking to reckful about borderline personality disorder that it’s like it’s hard to it’s like the whole kind of comes after but I’m not sure I want to subject someone to myself when I’m not whole and then there’s another part of me that’s saying I’m not even sure that I want to be in a relationship because I feel like I’m so I never want to be tied down to anything because it makes me feel trapped and I always want to be able to take flight if I need to but maybe that’s something really unhealthy and maybe that’s rooted in something yeah that’s how I feel what have you felt trapped before yeah yeah quite a lot I kind of um I’m realizing that I’m really good at setting boundaries without even realizing like I just don’t let people in because I I like unless they’re strangers on I don’t like syrup yeah I don’t know what that is I feel like it feels like there’s a part of me that’s dominant all of the time and then the part of me that’s not dominant seize this opportunity and it’s like well if there’s gonna be one opportunity like this is the time to strike and regain control of myself okay um yeah it feels like I’m I don’t know that I want to surrender control to another person I like to be in control of my own life and I feel like I had a really mmm okay someone I know will be watching this but I don’t care I’m gonna say I had a really abusive upbringing and I had like really severe sort of like strict like tyranny I guess and that’s sort of always fueled this need to feel free and I just I can’t feel trapped because it’s the worst thing in the world to me and I’d rather have nothing and be free than have something and be trapped sure Tony you said that you want to be yourself again can you help us understand who you are now and how you’re different from yourself yeah sometimes like like go said like when if he’s if he feels whole again then you know he’d be it’d be all right it I think in relationship or it may be more open to the idea of being with [ __ ] when he’s whole because for me it’s like I don’t like it when I try to hide parts of myself you know I have my weaknesses or hide my mistakes or hide little things that I’m not proud of I don’t I don’t like the sense of hiding so once I and once I can overcome those things that I’m trying to hide that I don’t need to hide anymore right then I could just be me absolutely authentic yeah free you know and and I I want to be free you know as opposed to be being was called chained down to little petty bits with shame whether they’re petty or deep-rooted and I just want to be free and like she’ll be me you know you could probably enough yeah that’s me yeah so the first thing that I want to say is that you know I’m just really surprised by how reasonable when everyone else what everyone is saying is right maybe surprise isn’t really the right word but like I just want to acknowledge because I think it’s significant that you know these are not these are very real challenges that you guys face real experiences that you all have had this is not like some kind of cognitive bias this is I mean there may be elements of depression and stuff like that but you know when we’re dealing with something like depression or anxiety like the basic problem is that the thoughts that your mind has are wrong right so like if you have social anxiety and you think everyone hates you like that’s a wrong thought the first thing that I kind of want to acknowledge is that I don’t think that they’re like wrong thoughts here I think each of what you guys want before you’re ready for a relationship is very like legitimate and real right this isn’t pathology on your part it’s just you wanting to be in a different place in your life now I think there are a couple of things that I would I’m just gonna start talking if that’s okay because we’ve got about maybe 5 to 10 minutes left the first thing is I think all of you guys are thinking that in order for you to have the perfect relationship you have to be the perfect person and I think the subtle thing that has been unsaid all along here is that what y’all are looking for is a perfect relationship right because you’re envisioning that if you are a certain way then the relationship is going to be a certain way you guys see that y’all think about that it’s an unrealistic expectation did you guys realize that that was what your expectation was um kind of it reminds me of a scene from Good Will Hunting I don’t know if anyone’s seen it but like there’s a scene where the main character is saying that he doesn’t want to call it go back because right now in his head she’s perfect then he doesn’t want to find out and ruin it and then his therapist says maybe you’re perfect to her right now and then he says it’s not a matter of whether you’re perfect or she’s perfect but whether or not you’re perfect for each other and whether or not you click with your imperfections so maybe that’s like the most authentic thing you can hope for yeah so I think the the subtle thing here is that you guys are wanting to be perfect because you’re envisioning so like you’re envisioning this perfect relationship and for that perfect relationship to succeed you have to be a particular thing right that’s what you’re really because you’re saying like okay I’m there’s this thing in my there’s this fantasy in my mind and unless I am that thing I’m going to screw it up this is cue all the thoughts about I am a tornado of death and I hurt I don’t want to hurt other people if I’m not confident in myself I may be attracting the wrong kind of person who’s narcissistic and gaslight me and all that kind of [ __ ] you know like there are all of these like reasonable thoughts that are ending up with this sort of like flawed premise that you guys are looking for a perfect relationship and for the record I don’t I don’t know that you guys are ready for a real relationship yet but I do think that it’s important to remember that you know good relationships in my opinion are defined not because the people that like the good relationships are not the ones that people and enter into when they’re perfect the good relationship is the one where the person that you’re with helps you become the starting point that you guys are looking for that’s a good relationship right so like I can relate a lot to what Baer was saying personally because my relationship started when I was in no one and and thankfully my wife like stuck with me like so we started dating when I was a junior in college and then you know I graduated after five years in college and then for the next four years like she continued to stick with me even though she had many better options and I wasn’t making any money I wasn’t you know I was just a guy who graduated three years ago with a biology degree in a 2.5 GPA like that’s a no one in life like that like you know bear just graduated it’s just like three years later I’m exactly where Bear is today and and she’s stuck with me and so you know was she perfect absolutely not was I perfect absolutely not and so I’d encourage you guys to think a little bit about you know when you are trying to be this perfect person because you don’t want to hurt people this once again is like as you guys said that’s evasion tanking right so I think part of what a relationship a good relationship is about is that you actually do hurt other people like that’s something you have to accept from the get-go and that other people are gonna hurt you the question is what happens when someone takes damage you know do they do they Gaslight everyone around you – dogpile you and make you feel like a piece of [ __ ] that’s a relationship that needs to end or do they apologize and like try to help you grow and try to grow themselves are they willing to stick with you while you’re exploring all the layers to your own onion because you don’t know who you are and be sort of a stable force are they willing to be patient with you while you figure your own [ __ ] out which I’m eternally grateful to my wife because she was I didn’t know who the [ __ ] I was and she was like kind of okay with that and and so I think the last thing to understand is that you guys are striving to be perfect before you enter this relationship you want to be level 100 but you’re actually setting like a very dangerous expectation for the other person which is to expect perfection from you that’s a relationship that’s gonna fail because this Thunder this set is up here yeah so then when you fall below it you’re not meeting your own standards absolutely it’s gonna be false advertising too because you guys are never gonna be level 100 it’s just not gonna happen you can also like a full buck you could even go back they can release expansions and raise the level cap that’s actually what happens right so as you get better you become I mean dissatisfaction has nothing to do with where you are in life like I work with people that are wildly successful and equally dissatisfied is like you know the people I work with on you know on twitch like gamers and average people and neat people like any et people and stuff like that it’s all it’s all about attitude and self-satisfaction so I’d really encourage you guys to think a lot about this idea of like you know I want to be perfect before I enter a relationship so I think it like I said so the first thing is it comes from a very normal place that you guys really do want to make some changes about yourself I think all of the things that you guys want to accomplish are reasonable goals the only issue that I take is that just because you haven’t met those goals doesn’t mean that you’re not ready for a relationship actually I mean you’re not ready but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a good idea the last thing is I don’t think you need to be right I mean I [ __ ] wasn’t ready for a relationship do you think you can ever really be ready no and this goes this goes back to the idea of you can only be what you are right so the last thing that I’m gonna leave you guys with is something even more confusing a little bit spiritual which is the concept of Karma so your karma did I mean so you guys don’t have to believe this but just just to think about it so I I don’t think about karma as being right or wrong I think about it as a framework that can help us understand certain things about our life so like we were each given a hand of cards to play the game of life and that’s our Karma I’m not saying it was determined by God or anything like that I’m just saying that our circumstances are unique and our circumstances form us into the people that we are today and so you guys can’t be anything but what you were so ghost has this issue about feeling trapped because you grew up in a tyrannical household like you can’t undo that you don’t get to re-roll right so that’s just what you deal with that’s your karma and also to understand that you can’t expect yourself to be free of that you can’t hold yourself to a standard of not being paranoid to being trapped because that’s what you [ __ ] are you’re paranoid of being trapped so be it that’s the hand that you were dealt that’s your karma so play that hand it doesn’t mean that you can’t win the game and so whether it’s a couple of near-death experiences a narcissistic partner who gaslighted everyone around you you know non-ideal modeling for what a relationship looks like or a fear of being trapped and paranoid or even not even knowing what you want from a relationship because your level zero all of those are your gut Irma’s those are your unique set of circumstances you can’t be anything but what you are because that’s the hand that you were given and you’ve made choices in the past but just because those choices were a mistake before doesn’t change the fact that you made those mistakes and you have to deal with that [ __ ] today right so you like even today every day you have the hand of cards that you sort of determined the day before and the day before the day before and you can regret playing that hand a particular way but you still have to deal with the aftermath of who you are today which is imperfect and not ready and completely ok thoughts or questions before we wrap up I was just a quick question on that yeah so the conversation was unraveling I saw myself really pushing forward to an idea of like a perfect loving family like two kids is uh is that a perfect relationship or is it is I guess my main question is is there a difference between loving and perfect what do you guys think so is that like a good a good pursuit a good goal a good maybe maybe that’s not the right link so I’m gonna sort of turn that question on its head I think what’s perfect is what is right so like if you walk outside and you look at a flower that flower cannot be anything but what it is it can’t be in a different place it can’t be a different color so if you really look at it from a yogic perspective the idea of perfection is just a false thing because the only thing that is is what is you can’t stop making it rain you can’t you know change the person that you are so in a sense you are perfect so is it like don’t concern yourself with that which you can’t control like just release any ideas about something that’s out of your control completely yeah so just be the person that you are and do the best that you can and in terms of having goals I think generally speaking we have goals when we have very little information right so my perception of what good and healthy marriage is like when I started out I had no clue and I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make is they like they come up with checklists right they’re like I want my partner to be a B and C and generally speaking the more that they adhere to the checklist just what I’ve seen in terms of you know my friends and people who are my age who get married and don’t get married and end up in happy relationships and don’t end up in happy relationships is the people who are obsessed with checklists and like meeting a certain standard are the ones who tend to get divorced or not be married it’s the people who actually like just about every relationship so when I work with people you know in in my practice I see a lot of healthy relationships and all of them are like deeply flawed at the very beginning it’s like people getting together with people that they really should not get together with right so like you know asking an 18 year old to marry you when you work at Chili’s seems like a terrible idea and it is a terrible idea but bizarrely enough girl’s parents were okay with it and they’re like happily married now what is this something like eighteen years later right so like don’t expect don’t set up in your mind what a perfect person or perfect relationship looks like because you just don’t know like well the perfect relationship is the one that’s right for you and that that one you know I think you’ll know it when you see it but you have to give yourself a chance the one thing that I would encourage you guys to do is just if you’re not ready for a relationship that’s completely reasonable you know if you have some stuff that you want to work on stuff like that but I was I mean I started I met my wife when I was convinced I was gonna become a monk and be celibate for the rest of my life so that was just terrible I mean was a terrible idea for everyone involved and you were confused yeah I got confused and it was great like I’m so glad cuz man I just I if that had not happened I would not have recognized the depth of my idiocy and that has gotten me to appreciate so much about how stupid human beings can actually be and it also gives me compassion for the dumbest human beings on the planet which allows me to talk to people on Twitch cuz that’s usually yeah if you hadn’t met your wife and you had become a monk do you think you would have lived a happy life and that version of you would now still be glad of making that choice I do you think you just have to accept whichever path you end up taking I think there’s only one path okay right so I here’s our meditation practice for the day so we can do mula bandha again you guys remember mula bandha yeah so mula bandha is so we’re gonna contract the perineum which you guys can you know try this at home if you want to but okay so mula bandha is is so Tony and bare so you guys know how to flex your penis up so go ahead and pull that muscle and notice when you pull that muscle that your anus contracts this I’m not trawling you guys seriously it’s just it’s really not trolling you kegels right giggles yeah kegels exactly so basically mula bandha is contracting that muscle for a period of like three to five seconds and then relaxing and then contracting and relaxing so let’s practice so contract one two three and relax and then contract again one two three relax contract one two three relax good so continue practicing for let’s say another thirty Seconds good so I have another meditation practice for you guys so this one that’s a little bit more contemplative this is gonna sound kind of weird but I want you guys to go outside and look at a plant and then ask yourself is that plant perfect and could that plant be anything else and I know you can think of an answer as you sit here and you imagine the scenario but part of a meditative practices actually go outside and look at it and contemplate it and use that sensory experience okay how you guys feeling good tom you guys how do you all feel about your future confident ghosts are you ever gonna get to the bottom of the onion shark huh Shrek I think yeah I think I am okay bear are you gonna be successful just long as I take the stuff Sunday – right yep the only steps you can’t take one layer at a time one layer at a time now I’ll build donkey that’ll do so he’ll do I don’t have you know specific questions for each and every one of you but I think let me just see what I can pull out so if for Aaron I guess my question is is death inevitable are you gonna drown be honest one day in the very very very far future well when the time is right but when the time is right perfect time because there’s only one thought yeah I have too many things too many ambitions good so try to trying to fulfill what you can and then you’ll learn how to let go of the rest dr. K can I ask you a question was there anything that you wanted you noticed that you were there any questions that weren’t that we didn’t have time for that you wanted to bring up just so yelling a thousand but I think that’s okay right so I I think we we got to the questions that we needed to today and I have Rosen ambitions as well I have all kinds of things that I jotted down that I wanted to ask you guys about and what do you know those we didn’t have time for those those questions are unfulfilled we may never get to them and yet this conversation was perfect it’s what it needed to be and you guys are what you need to be and that’s that’s just how it works so take comfort in the fact that that’s just that’s how it works guys we couldn’t have asked any more questions and we couldn’t have asked any fewer we asked them you’d go insane if you tried to change like if you try to really focus on those things and didn’t just see it as perfect as is very well said ghost why the [ __ ] do you think everyone is going crazy because that which you try to like that’s what you try to do in your life right just think about that for a second you try to salt you try to ask all the questions you try to fulfill all the ambitions you try to be the perfect person for a relationship and then everyone goes insane like why did why do you guys think this is so successful on Twitch it’s because everyone is doing what goes to sync right so the biggest problem with mankind is that their ambition is limitless and their capability is limited if always like before more change change change go out and see even with with Tony it’s like change I don’t need to change a whole lot I just need to change a little bit still a problem so go out and look at your plant and good luck guys and yeah thank you very much for coming on today thank you very much for sharing asking questions being present being what you were supposed to be yeah thank you thank you everyone actually I wanna hold you guys I’ll maybe I’ll get in touch with you guys and maybe we can be accountability buddies just to do our kegels and Bobby it it’ll be fun this is an invitational all right guys take care strong guys good luck everyone okay so guys thank you very much for coming I don’t know how much of that people were able to keep up with but yeah so I think you know one thing that I just wanted to say for a second is that I think that this actually highlights a little bit about why I think our coaching program is like actually gonna be pretty good because I think you know we have all these problems that we think we have but the solutions tend to be like a lot wider and deeper and broader I think things are related in in terms of our mind and stuff and so my hope is that I mean so my question is how do we help people explore this kind of stuff and and that’s where I think like that my hope is that the coaching program works so we’ll see but you know if you guys are feeling stuck in a particular area of your life don’t be so restrictive is to think that the solution to that problem is like fixing that problem when we talked about relationships for example you know they you know there are all kinds of there’s all kinds of relationship advice you can give people I think the real challenge is is in recognizing that you know what these people are struggling with is like fear of who they are and that they’re not going to be good enough in a relationship for someone else and they’re not going to be good enough in a relationship for someone else right so successful relationships people grow and learn how to get better at them so you’re not like I mean you start off with low XP and then you like level up with someone and if things worked out then you guys like stay with them and and that’s great so if you guys think that you know your problem is video game addiction or your problem is this or your problem is that like do yourself the benefit do yourself the benefit of digging a little bit deeper and seeing if there’s something related to it right is this an issue of confidence is this an issue of like you know I don’t want to be successful because even if I’m successful I’m never going to live up to the fantasy that I have in my mind that’s a big one that people are not willing to they say oh I’m unemployed I don’t have a job I sit at home all day and they can go out and get a job but they don’t want to get a job because the job that they’re gonna get is gonna be shameful right it doesn’t live up to their standard like yeah I’m happy to be an entrepreneur but I don’t want to work for someone else so be careful about your ego and the standards that you set yourself and what you believe is is your problem and what you believe your solution is because it may be very different from what you think so thank you guys very much thank you all for all of the support you know we’ll see what the YouTube comments for this would look like if you guys did comment on the YouTube video thank you very much for the positive comments and I’ll see you guys on Wednesday so thanks a lot .

Déroulement de la vidéo:

0 so can we just start by doing
0 introductions again sounds good to me
0 you&;re gonna start off Richard yeah sure
0 so my name is Richard I was on the
0 previous stream so I was going strong
0 for about ten days and unfortunately
0 I&;ve relapse yesterday was which I was
0 pretty bummed about maybe we can talk
0 about that today and it&;s it was kind of
0 I don&;t know I I was pretty visibly
0 upset with myself because I thought of
0 this great opportunity to come on stream
0 and you know kind of talk about porn
0 addiction and I thought like I tried to
0 kind of rearrange it in my head to where
0 like I changed it from like a self
0 devoted interest to stop watching porn
0 into like kind of like a group Dharma
0 kind of thing I kind of made it like my
0 responsibility to kind of step up and
0 quit this addiction for like everyone
0 watching and to show everyone that&;s
0 possible and I was I was kind of hurt
0 when I figured out you know I&;m only
0 human and I just really left so I don&;t
0 know maybe we can get into that and some
0 of the people were able to go strong the
0 whole time so I&;m interested to hear
0 their kind of techniques and how they
0 did that so yeah so welcome back Richard
0 thank you
0 who wants to go next
0 I guess I&;ll go next
0 oh my name is bear and I&;m new to the
0 stream yeah welcome bear thank you it&;s
0 a pleasure to be here it&;s an honor so I
0 watched the first stream and I couldn&;t
0 relate because I again to little
0 periodic episodes where I get into
0 analysis paralysis okay and I ended up
0 turning to masturbation and gaming to
0 kind of like
0 work my way through
0 okay rather than it just being like
0 trauma yes okay so you said that you had
0 difficulty relating and you feel like
0 masturbation for you is is like tied up
0 to like other other sort of cognitive
0 things as opposed to some kind of trauma
0 yes
0 okay okay so we can definitely talk
0 about that thanks for coming on man also
0 huge props to you know your gigantic
0 balls for showing your face on a stream
0 like this they I&;m nervous man yeah man
0 I think I think we&;re all nervous who&;s
0 nervous show hands okay so who else
0 wants to go wants to introduce
0 themselves the cat in the corner you
0 gotta go person now okay all right I&;ll
0 go I guess go for us I&;m ghosts probably
0 know if you know me from the last stream
0 glad to be back I think this will be
0 interesting
0 yeah I hope so
0 I&;m Erin I was also on the live stream
0 and I guess I hope that we get to cover
0 some extra bits that we didn&;t get to
0 last stream absolutely anything in
0 particular that I think you want to talk
0 about today um I&;d like to just like
0 first maybe catch up and reiterate on
0 briefly reiterate on so many things that
0 we touched on last time sure then maybe
0 a little bit more on like specifically
0 relationships okay that&;s great we did
0 gorge on relationships at all that&;s a
0 good idea yeah yeah okay a fantastic
0 idea great suggestions there and so I
0 think we have one other person in the
0 chat
0 do you want to introduce yourself
0 Tony X Tony Communications mic issues
0 okay oh all right so we&;ll see if if we
0 can get Tony to rejoin okay so um so I
0 think all fantastic ideas Aaron do you
0 want to just start by use kind of
0 mentioned that you wanted to reiterate a
0 couple of things do you want to just
0 take a stab at that what would you what
0 do you think it&;s important to reiterate
0 um I think it&;s just because yeah this
0 past week since the last dream I tried
0 once again to quit the yes resist the
0 addiction and I tried a different
0 approach this time where I just like
0 Richard said instead of focusing on
0 myself and the benefits that would get
0 to myself I thought more about the
0 others that uh we talked with before and
0 everyone that has been like sending
0 messages through the discord or the
0 twitch chat saying how much it helped
0 them how much they could relate to it or
0 maybe they had some other issue like
0 there and there&;s just more like that
0 companionship that sort of bond hanging
0 on to that almost like it was almost
0 like gripping on to a log while flowing
0 down a river and the river is like the
0 urge is just continually splashing on
0 you go as long as you have that float
0 you can sort of barely stay above the
0 surface until you get to dry land
0 that&;s actually some really scary
0 imagery I mean because I you know it&;s
0 not it&;s not like a life raft it&;s like
0 a log right it&;s so unstable the river
0 is just pounding you and it&;s kind of
0 like you&;re holding out and I&;m not even
0 sure that success is guaranteed at the
0 end like that sounds like you know
0 failure is more inevitable than success
0 is that how it feels to you oh yeah yeah
0 for sure
0 I&;m expecting relapse at some point or
0 another just because it&;s happened to me
0 so many times because I&;ve tried
0 sometimes over the years but I&;m going
0 to give it a very strong effort this
0 time and now that I have like being more
0 open about it and having like
0 companionship with it it&;s made it a
0 little bit easier but it&;s still of
0 course extremely extremely challenging
0 yeah so I&;d like to just offer up
0 another topic for discussion well I mean
0 when I say another I mean I think
0 Richard sort of mentioned this already
0 but I think we should really talk about
0 this idea of relapse and quitting and
0 and you know what is it what is our goal
0 here and what does it mean to have these
0 expectations for yourself and now that
0 you&;re sort of putting is Richard kind
0 of mentioned you know there&;s sort of a
0 group Dharma here so like your success
0 or failure no longer just depends on you
0 because people are this is gonna sound
0 bizarre so that this dream is gonna be
0 full of like things that can be taken
0 out of context so people are watching
0 you not fapping right let&;s go people
0 people are watching you and now you have
0 an expectation to fulfill towards like
0 other people to kind of inspire them and
0 I think so I&;d like to talk about that
0 and just what kind of pressure that puts
0 on you what kind of pressure relapse
0 puts on you what kind of pressure the
0 inevitability of relapse puts on you how
0 that pressure actually affects you
0 cognitively and does that actually like
0 you know how does that affect how does
0 the pressure of possibly relapsing
0 affect you relapsing or not relapsing
0 Richard um yeah I I kind of want to take
0 it on like I really want to put it on to
0 myself and because I want to get rid of
0 this and I&;d love to have the support of
0 everyone here and everyone watching and
0 I know I do it&;s just it&;s it&;s just
0 difficult and but I want to take that on
0 I just I kind of like almost like in a
0 superhero sense like yeah take take it
0 on and like give it everything I can try
0 like just die trying I don&;t that just
0 seems so admirable to me and I&;d love to
0 be a part of that but there&;s also you
0 know if like relapse comes then it just
0 like it comes to this point where it&;s
0 like oh Jesus Christ the superhero kind
0 of like failed the world he wasn&;t able
0 to save the world which is kind of scary
0 but at the same time I want to take it
0 on and that&;s kind of what I signed up
0 for joining the stream so I&;m I&;m ready
0 for it it&;s just the the stakes are
0 higher now yeah so how so the everyone&;s
0 counting on me
0 everyone&;s counting on me to do that so
0 let&;s talk about being a superhero okay
0 what help me understand or help us
0 understand and you know anyone can jump
0 in by the way it sort of it resonates
0 with me that Richard is kind of talking
0 about doing something superhuman right
0 like there&;s like there&;s like a part of
0 us that strives to like overcome and
0 achieve and be greater than what we are
0 and is that does that like does the idea
0 of becoming a superhero like no fat man
0 you know yeah yeah yeah that superhero
0 it&;s actually funny because my Dischord
0 name is Oh Superman so I&;ve always been
0 a fan of Superman
0 being able to like just achieve great
0 things so uh how are you gonna come to
0 this idea that like I&;m only human and I
0 can&;t be a superhero or like I don&;t
0 know what would I get am I putting
0 my expectations too high for myself
0 being like trying to strive for
0 like a superhero istic goal why don&;t
0 you ask your colleagues what do you guys
0 think what do y&;all think about becoming
0 a superhero and is Richard putting too
0 high of an expectation on himself I
0 think it&;s a lot of pressure I think
0 it&;s a double-edged sword yeah going
0 yeah it&;s a fine line to walk because
0 the more pressure you put on yourself
0 when or if you do crack it or to
0 continue forward because you&;re gonna
0 fall that much farther so yeah we are
0 under a lot of pressure taking this on
0 and it&;s scary but it is at the same
0 time the pressure facing that pressure I
0 can see what you mean by like it&;s
0 almost uplifting and that when you do
0 triumph over like a really bad day where
0 your urges are like intense and you just
0 barely manage to make it through it&;s
0 very empowering and so it&;s it&;s kind of
0 difficult to navigate that fine line of
0 like not putting too much pressure on
0 yourself to where you can still like
0 function but you still want to like not
0 just given all the way what did you mean
0 by double-edged sword ghosts I meant
0 that it&;s in a sense can be seen as a
0 positive because the so of group dynamic
0 means that people are relying on you so
0 you feel like there&;s some element of
0 obligation it reminds me of what you
0 said about Dharma and it&;s hard to clean
0 your own room but when someone else
0 needs their own cleaned you can do at
0 the drop of a hat
0 it&;s like it&;s kind of in a sense easier
0 when there are people counting on you
0 but also there is that overwhelming
0 pressure that makes it more difficult
0 what do you think about what they have
0 to say Richard uh matches yeah I would
0 agree with them no you said something
0 you kind of like sort of tried to put
0 yourself in my shoes for a moment you
0 said are you gonna say something like
0 we&;re all just normal human like do you
0 remember you made those defensive
0 deflective statement yeah what was that
0 statement let&;s let&;s understand that
0 for a second do you got you guys all
0 heard that yeah I don&;t know I guess we
0 can kind of go into my dad sets really
0 high expectations I
0 he really has a big relationship with
0 word and if I say something I got to do
0 it and and I&;ve always had you know
0 motivation problems sometimes when I say
0 I&;m gonna you know an example would be
0 like if I say I&;m gonna paint the garage
0 and I paint the garage but I don&;t
0 complete it all the way by the time I
0 said I was gonna do it there&;s just like
0 a big disconnect there&;s I just get a
0 lot of flack from him for that he just
0 doesn&;t like it mm-hmm
0 and and when you fail after ten days
0 what do you get from yourself
0 um just disappointment you get a lot of
0 flack from yourself a lot of [ __ ] yeah
0 where do you think you learned how to do
0 that
0 it&;s gotta come from them right like
0 think about that for a second so when we
0 beat ourselves up and I&;m sure you guys
0 a beat yourselves up how do you let&;s
0 talk about that like how do you beat
0 yourself up
0 I caught a grin from bear well I like to
0 get stuck in my own head so that&;s a
0 really big thing for me and my conduct
0 coping mechanism I guess would be
0 masturbation and you know video games or
0 just trying to find something to to
0 clear my head and what happens when you
0 get stuck in your own head I get this
0 feeling of being really overwhelmed and
0 just don&;t really know what to do with
0 my I guess what is it that overwhelms
0 you ah just general thoughts I guess
0 more recently I&;ve been in the Nene
0 stage since I just graduated and
0 graduations I&;m graduating thank you you
0 thank you better than drop it out it&;s
0 easier yourself up for graduating and
0 then you know not having a job or
0 whatever but then like it&;s also easy to
0 just forget that you at least you
0 graduated but a lot of people actually
0 don&;t that&;s true that&;s true I also
0 have like a lot of pressure from my
0 friends and my family for for not being
0 where I should be I&;m like I&;m a little
0 behind in terms of my age versus
0 graduation than jobs and and all that
0 yeah okay I saw I saw that Tony managed
0 to connect but it seems that he is fled
0 so maybe if we if we can catch him we&;ll
0 give him a chance to introduce himself
0 it&;s how we going to get an evil cap so
0 I want to just pause for a second
0 because I have a feeling that we could
0 be talking about a lot of things that
0 don&;t relate to porn addiction I think
0 what you guys are talking about we could
0 sort of take things in a slightly
0 different direction so I&;ll just sort of
0 mention a couple of themes that I&;m
0 hearing right so the the need the want
0 to be great sort of the need to be great
0 and I think that has something to do
0 with the sense of you know only a soup
0 because because when you guys are when I
0 imagine the image that Aaron was
0 describing which is like you know you&;re
0 hanging on to a log in a rushing river
0 and you know like you&;re barely staying
0 afloat and you&;re you&;re gonna drown
0 like when I think about that scenario I
0 don&;t think a normal human can fix that
0 right I think you have to be a superhero
0 to fix that and I think part of sort of
0 the call to be a superheroes because of
0 our perception about how insurmountable
0 our problems are like it feels super
0 like when I think about how like how is
0 Aaron gonna get saved like literally
0 Superman is gonna fly out of the sky and
0 like scoop him out of the walk that&;s
0 what&;s gonna happen right that&;s that&;s
0 how he gets it because there&;s a
0 waterfall and he&;s gonna about to go
0 over the edge and there are rocks down
0 below and it&;s like you know so there&;s
0 something about being a superhero that
0 has to do with just the problems you
0 guys face feel so large so it seems like
0 the only way to overcome them is to be
0 superhuman
0 and then and then something about you
0 know Richard is is you know voiced a
0 little bit of frustration with kind of
0 like this what are you just gonna say
0 like we have to just be normal like you
0 know there&;s a little bit of frustration
0 there so I wanna I want to try to dig
0 into that do and then I think you know
0 we&;ve talked a fair amount about
0 motivation and sort of setting ourselves
0 up for success or failure holding
0 ourselves to high standards how we
0 handle ourselves when we do fail right
0 so like what do you guys think so
0 Richard started off this talk with and
0 Tony will give you a chance to introduce
0 yourself in just a second okay
0 so Tony just I mean sorry Richard
0 started off this conversation he kind of
0 said I went ten days without it sounds
0 like fapping and then I relapsed so he
0 views that as failure right Richard
0 that&;s a failure what are the rest y&;all
0 think about that I&;ve you and more is a
0 stumble than falling over like if you if
0 you imagine the journey is like a series
0 of hurdles it&;s more like you know you
0 took you cleanly got over ten and then
0 you kind of stumbled on like the 11th
0 but that doesn&;t mean that you&;ve fallen
0 over and you have to start again
0 it just means you continue and that was
0 a bump in the road I think that&;s the
0 most helpful perspective because it
0 feels like this sort of guilt and shame
0 that builds with relapse can often sort
0 of push you can just erase all progress
0 you&;ve made because you start to hate
0 yourself again and then that self-hatred
0 further fuels you feel like maybe you
0 know maybe I shouldn&;t get better maybe
0 I shouldn&;t get better maybe I should
0 just go back to where I was because I
0 deserve it
0 yeah so I think it&;s just helpful to try
0 and not feel guilt or shame just accept
0 that you made a mistake but it&;s a
0 stumble not other people have thoughts
0 yeah I – I guess meditation in that when
0 your mind does wander you don&;t force
0 yourself to get back in being centered
0 but you gently allow yourself to come
0 back and it&;s part of the process that
0 every time you are able to come back
0 that&;s he a rat right and you need
0 multiple repetitions to build that
0 muscle so it&;s part of the process and
0 you&;re only it would be I guess a newbie
0 mistake to think that the rule of the
0 game is to not relapse the proper game
0 is to stay in a good connection with
0 allowing yourself to have a good flow of
0 coming back as long as you can come back
0 in the long that&;s that&;s the long
0 that&;s the real game or at least a
0 higher level game so I notice bear
0 nodding but Tony you want to just take a
0 chance to introduce yourself thanks for
0 jumping in by the way uh thank you yes
0 my name is Tony what should you just
0 tell us a little bit about I mean if
0 you&;re comfortable you can just say I&;m
0 Tony and that can be sufficient but you
0 know sometimes it can it&;s been helpful
0 for other people to hear a little bit
0 about what&;s bringing you here today and
0 maybe what you struggle with
0 yeah so I&;ve been it&;s sometimes I care
0 about my I guess my tendency to like a
0 resort to porn and then that&;s been
0 going on and off since I I think mmm
0 I&;m a great grade 5 grade 6 you know
0 what I was like 10 11 12 years old and
0 even more so ever since I got an
0 internet connection
0 and I feel like it&;s just something I
0 think that&;s the point is not the
0 problem itself is just a symptom and I
0 think it&;s just holding me back i
0 whatever the root causes the root
0 problem is what do you think it&;s a
0 symptom of avoidance
0 I think fighter seeking just shortcuts
0 just I hedonism I think I&;ve what are
0 you avoiding I think emotional pain ego
0 pain responsibility mostly those three I
0 think that&;s what comes to mind right
0 this moment what do you think about that
0 bear so like in my opinion with Richards
0 I guess instance is that when he does I
0 guess relapse into masturbation that&;s
0 that&;s not a failure it&;s just it would
0 be a failure in my opinion if he was
0 ignoring responsibilities or trying to
0 overcome some some type of emotions you
0 know but I agree with Tony like
0 wholeheartedly actually
0 Richard what&;s it like to hear other
0 people say that they don&;t really view
0 you as a failure my first reaction I
0 don&;t know I I I&;m not I don&;t want to
0 say I&;m super hard on myself but I just
0 I made this way to where when I started
0 this journey I failed other people I let
0 a lot of people down and that&;s what
0 kind of is getting to me because I
0 wanted again I want it to be that
0 superhuman and you know take this on and
0 show other people that it&;s possible
0 it&;s just I see it as a slight mist mess
0 up in the road that was ahead of me not
0 like with ghosts instant with when go
0 set the hurdling when you kind of
0 stumbled but you didn&;t exactly fall you
0 don&;t have to start all over again
0 you could still kind of I do see it as a
0 stumble but I still look at it as if I
0 failed everyone watching and it&;s just
0 it sucks I mean I wish I I wanted to be
0 the person that came on stream and
0 showed everyone it was possible and I
0 don&;t know emotions they&;re starting to
0 rise yeah I see that
0 so first of all do you guys see how
0 Richard for the first time and all the
0 time we&;ve started we&;ve been speaking
0 is starting to not make sense but you
0 guys see that like you can don&;t talk
0 you know I&;ll see what I&;m saying like
0 his his words like so he because he&;s
0 sort of acknowledging so what I&;m
0 pointing out is that Richard Richard I
0 don&;t mean that as an insult what I mean
0 is that there&;s a part of you that
0 acknowledges and can view things the way
0 that other people are viewing them and
0 there&;s also this other part of you that
0 is complete like doesn&;t give two [ __ ]
0 about that
0 yeah it&;s steep steep routed yep it&;s
0 correct looked and absolutely right so
0 when other people are encouraging you
0 how are you feeling I always say that
0 again sorry other people are basically
0 like trying to encourage and support you
0 right how do you feel when they do that
0 I guess I guess what I would say is like
0 the superhero mentality has two sides of
0 the coin and when there&;s failure its
0 catastrophic and when there&;s
0 encouragement like the reach when I&;m
0 taking on the superhuman feat to show
0 everyone it&;s possible I get energy from
0 the people encouraging me but when when
0 I stumble and fail it still hurts it
0 hurts a lot
0 yeah so I&;m gonna even keep him on as
0 weak to kryptonite though say that again
0 sorry goes can you say that Superman is
0 a weak to kryptonite everyone how&;s that
0 kryptonite even the superhero
0 yeah what does it like to hear that
0 Richard that&;s it&;s hard to hear but
0 it&;s a tough pill to swallow but I&;m I&;m
0 on the path to swallow it I&;m gonna try
0 to put some words into your mouth so I
0 think you sort of hinted at this that
0 when things are going well and other
0 people encourage you it makes you feel
0 good right it fuels you and after you
0 perceive that you&;ve failed and other
0 people encourage you I think you
0 actually feel worse
0 yeah yeah it was hard hearing everyone
0 saying it&;s hard hearing that it was
0 just a stumble when I&;m trying to make
0 it this ultimate fail yeah right so
0 let&;s just notice that for a second that
0 despite other people trying to help you
0 and support you and I I think you know
0 that these guys care about you right
0 like yeah absolutely so how does that
0 work where like when when we when we do
0 something let&;s say we mess up and it&;s
0 unclear how much you&;ve messed up or if
0 this was a stumble or you [ __ ] up
0 catastrophic ly in the world is gonna
0 end
0 like let&;s just table that for a second
0 and just understand that we it&;s unclear
0 but what do you guys think about you
0 know what&;s going on when when someone
0 is receiving support was when people are
0 trying to support another human being
0 and that makes the other human being
0 feel worse have you guys ever been in
0 that situation yeah so how do how does
0 that work like what&;s going on there
0 it&;s like having the opposite effect I
0 don&;t know I like there&;s an element of
0 trying to just lone-wolf it figure it
0 out myself
0 I don&;t yeah for me it&;s pride I come
0 back to the ego because I don&;t my
0 initial reaction is I don&;t like to
0 accept help when I when part of me or a
0 lot of me feels like I can do it myself
0 and to accept help means that there&;s
0 something wrong with me or it feels like
0 that way I see a lot of people nodding
0 yeah yeah I think we relate a lot I
0 think
0 what&;s that like
0 cool feels kind of cool feels it&;s
0 interesting you know cuz I mean part of
0 the reason why I didn&;t mind opening up
0 about fluoridation is just because I
0 know it&;s more and more common now so I
0 feel like it&;s not only I&;m not alone
0 yes very houses yes yeah Terry Crews
0 that big time
0 big time yeah so let me ask you
0 something this is a little bit more
0 directed at Richard and if you guys feel
0 like this is kind of monopolizing our
0 discussion please let me know but since
0 I think relapse this is all related to
0 relapse okay so Richard when these
0 people say it&;s just a stumble I would
0 venture that there&;s a part of your mind
0 that understands that but that you
0 actually feel like they don&;t understand
0 you as well when they encourage you and
0 you feel I would say elements of that
0 but it&;s more so I&;m just pushing that
0 away yep
0 I&;m pushing their input away I&;m just
0 trying to UM why are you pushing their
0 input away and other people can answer
0 to if they can relate to Richards
0 situation why let&;s put it this way why
0 do you guys let&;s give Richard a second
0 let&;s ask the group why do you guys
0 think he&;s pushing you away because we
0 don&;t understand his full situation
0 maybe because you can only you can only
0 ever truly be your own certain see in
0 life I think there&;s probably multiple
0 reasons but I think that it&;s really
0 difficult to accept help when help can
0 feel unstable and temporary and it&;s
0 very easy to go into the shell a feeling
0 like you need to be just completely made
0 of steel because you&;re the only one
0 you&;ll ever be able to rely on so it&;s
0 possible maybe that&;s an element but I&;m
0 not sure
0 yeah being able to stand on your own two
0 feet is really important to a lot of
0 people it&;s like it&;s been said before
0 accepting help kind of acknowledges the
0 fact that there is something like so
0 wrong with you
0 that it&;s unable to be solved by
0 yourself
0 and that can be very difficult to admit
0 yeah there&;s also a kind of weird double
0 standard the way you think of help as
0 this thing that other people should get
0 but when it comes to yourself you expect
0 absolutely everything you expect to be
0 superhuman basically and it&;s a
0 completely sort of irrational thing but
0 even knowing it&;s irrational it doesn&;t
0 it doesn&;t remove it it&;s it&;s still
0 there persist
0 so Richard out of what people have said
0 what resonates with you or if anything
0 resonates I said it earlier before but
0 like this lone wolf mentality work
0 there&;s like a certain level of pride
0 that comes in when I just figure it out
0 myself
0 you know I have all these problems
0 arising and then I being the superhuman
0 self is able to just figure it out
0 myself
0 and it&;s just it&;s hard it&;s hard
0 hearing advice from other people because
0 I I&;m on I feel like I&;m on this journey
0 alone but I&;m at the impact of others
0 trying to I&;m stumbling again I&;m on
0 this like you&;ve always sold your own
0 problems yes yes no I would say
0 primarily yes that&;s yeah that&;s why I
0 expected there why did you expect to
0 hear that um I don&;t know that&;s sort of
0 just how I feel in it it seemed like I
0 saw a pattern and it just made sense
0 that that would be the case because if
0 you learned that you&;re the only one you
0 can ever rely on then that&;s just how
0 you continue through life yeah so I&;m
0 noticing this theme that&;s emerging
0 right that nofap is a single-player game
0 right and and that I mean that we talk
0 about superheroes we talk is it okay
0 that I make jokes like is that okay like
0 does that yeah I&;m hedging it okay going
0 for maximum number of clippable moments
0 but so but seriously like that that&;s
0 what we cuz like seriously I mean it is
0 right so like when we think about
0 masturbation like masturbation is like a
0 solo exercise the demons that you guys
0 struggle with are are like internal that
0 like all in here like it&;s you know it&;s
0 not about the external world it&;s not
0 about other people even going back to
0 Aaron&;s analogy which I&;m gonna probably
0 do a thousand more times like he&;s
0 talking about one guy holding on to one
0 log in a stream it&;s not like a crap
0 like it&;s
0 like a crowd of people and like the
0 Titanic it&;s just like you alone and
0 then the other thing that&;s kind of
0 crazy is that you know III know that you
0 guys feel ashamed for failing but the
0 other really crazy thing is that I think
0 if we got if we actually stopped and
0 looked at it you guys are incredibly
0 self-reliant and you&;re incredibly
0 resilient and you have high reserves of
0 willpower and that what you guys have
0 done is adopt a strategy in life that in
0 is like a single-player kind of like
0 you&;re you&;re playing like it&;s like
0 you&;re making an RPG at the beginning
0 and you&;re gonna do like a single-player
0 like single character playthrough it&;s
0 like normally it&;s a party RPG but you
0 guys have decided to do you know one
0 character hog mode absolutely that&;s
0 what it feels like right you guys living
0 are you guys playing game are you guys
0 playing the game of life on hardmode
0 iron man yeah absolutely absolutely
0 right yeah
0 no save scumming no reloading just
0 what&;s that like I&;m barely like
0 leveling up I&;m like not even getting to
0 the next level sometimes I you know have
0 a good kill streak but for the most part
0 in the long run I I can do way better
0 than this so I think that says it all
0 right if I&;d say there&;s one thing that
0 I think all of you guys overwhelmingly
0 agree with it&;s I can do way better than
0 this yeah where&;d you guys get that idea
0 what&;s that where does that come from
0 social pressures say more about that
0 bear I mean I guess culturally my my
0 family is always all about trying to me
0 trying to get me to get my doctorate or
0 or just be successful and a monetary
0 value but not emotionally I just kind of
0 weighs a heavy burden on its own yeah do
0 you mind if I ask what your ethnicity is
0 my parents are from Pakistan okay yeah
0 so I mean I don&;t know if you guys so
0 South Asian parents and East Asian
0 parents especially for people who
0 immigrated from our country of origin
0 tend to be very very status oriented
0 they really believe that and I&;m sure I
0 mean this is true of not just those
0 cultures but dr. Angelou yeah right so
0 and and it&;s tough because what they do
0 is they make you feel like your value as
0 a human being is related to things that
0 you check off on a list like bear have
0 you gotten your doctorate yet no I&;m
0 actually about to start my Master&;s
0 burger oh my goodness that&;s just
0 completely unacceptable yeah yeah right
0 and and they they make you feel like I
0 mean that&;s that&;s your measure of value
0 as a human being like it&;s not that a
0 human being can be more than that it&;s
0 just you know the measure of value of
0 your degree for me like I can feel like
0 my inner critic and my image of I guess
0 the external critic is like it&;s so
0 simple just don&;t touch your peepee you
0 know and how can you how can you mess
0 that up you know so I think that I left
0 that inner critic unchecked for so many
0 years that you know until it more
0 recently I&;ve been now we get the sense
0 that we&;re not alone
0 yeah I still sort of even hearing that I
0 still sort of maintain the idea that is
0 like solo playing for me it&;s just sort
0 of really deeply ingrained even though I
0 can intellectually resonate with that
0 the feeling within me is still this is
0 solo player yeah so what do you guys so
0 in a sense it is right because
0 ultimately I think when we think about
0 especially addictions it&;s we kind of
0 think a little bit about you know
0 ultimately it&;s an it&;s an internal
0 journey like no one is gonna slap a
0 chastity belt on you right it struggles
0 that you have to you know deal with on a
0 on a day to day basis but at the same
0 time I think that there is some amount
0 of you know there&;s there&;s a different
0 kind of balance that has to be struck so
0 I think at the end of the day these are
0 you know it&;s it&;s like the only person
0 that is how can I say this you know at
0 the end of the day the important thing
0 is that Tony not touch his peepee right
0 like it&;s not about us not touching his
0 peepee it&;s about Tony not touching his
0 peepee and so and so that there is there
0 is a certain amount of single player
0 earnest to this like absolutely so any
0 kind of substance or addiction that we
0 deal with ultimately is like is gonna
0 have a deep single like single player
0 kind of component to it because no one
0 else is gonna fix this for you it&;s not
0 about other people fixing you and at the
0 same time I think that as people have
0 kind of mentioned you know the way that
0 you treat yourself is like different
0 from the way that you treat other people
0 and something about that I think is like
0 incredibly toxic right so like Tony was
0 talking a little bit about the way that
0 he left left his inner critic unchecked
0 I think it&;s a beautiful way of putting
0 it in the case of bear it sounds like a
0 lot of his criticism is not actually
0 coming from internally it&;s coming from
0 externally but I&;d say also in bears
0 case that all of those external
0 statements have created a standard that
0 you measure yourself against right so
0 you accept their premises and they
0 become your premises it&;s internalized
0 absolutely so there is something
0 incredibly singleplayer about this so my
0 next question kind of goes to primary I
0 mean sort of Richard but anyone can
0 answer so Richard sort of he played a
0 little game where he pretended to be me
0 for a second and and he sort of said
0 like you kind of envisioned almost like
0 what I was gonna say so what do you guys
0 think my response is to what we&;re
0 talking about so like so it&;s like a
0 soft spot for me trying to defend it
0 defend what this idea that I&;m not a
0 superhero that I that I do have
0 kryptonite that&;s what you think I&;m
0 gonna say no that&;s what I think I sorry
0 yeah that&;s okay so I think yeah poor
0 Tony what I think when I think you&;re
0 gonna say now is that a it&;s not exactly
0 a single-player game now you there&;s
0 components of single-player mode but
0 it&;s like all of us are playing
0 single-player mode beside each other so
0 the rules exactly tutorials we can share
0 our experience we can route each other
0 Wow we could hold each other accountable
0 because it&;s
0 it&;s your own game but you&;re playing
0 amongst brothers who actually for the
0 most part know what you&;re going through
0 yeah that&;s that&;s my inference yeah so
0 I think that&;s a beautifully put
0 I&;m gonna add sort of another layer to
0 it so I&;m gonna just talk for a second
0 about the superhero complex because I
0 think that&;s something that I certainly
0 have felt from time to time like very
0 deeply I think it&;s something that
0 resonates with our community a lot and
0 so is it okay if I just kind of offer
0 some thoughts about that so first thing
0 is like you know I get the sense that a
0 lot of people feel like they have to
0 make up for lost time and in a sense
0 like what you&;ve got to do is like the
0 the the more screwed up you are the more
0 Herculean you have to be to sort of fix
0 it
0 so I remember like when I was failing
0 out of college and also had had like a
0 bad GPA so I graduated with like a 2.5 I
0 felt like the only way that I could hold
0 my head up with pride was to like do
0 something that was superhuman like go to
0 Harvard for medical school for example
0 right so like the more behind you feel
0 about yourself
0 the higher the standard that you set to
0 kind of like make things even does that
0 make sense
0 I&;m gonna jump in and ask a question
0 yeah has anyone here watched the movie
0 limitless okay it kind of feels like
0 that in the sense that like you&;re like
0 at the start of the movie he&;s a failed
0 writer and then he takes this pill
0 unleashes his genius and he becomes God
0 basically you sort of feel like you have
0 to do that yeah right so you feel like
0 you have to does it like so the more
0 behind you feel in life the more messed
0 up you feel the more it requires
0 something like really really huge to fix
0 that
0 right because and I think this kind of
0 goes back to just the struggle and like
0 Aaron&;s like imagery at the beginning
0 which is the size of the struggle that
0 you guys are dealing with is just so big
0 and insurmountable that an ordinary
0 human can&;t do it what do you guys think
0 about that well I think another part of
0 it for at least for me is that sometimes
0 my ego feels like you know what I am
0 superhuman I&;m just gonna allow myself
0 to [ __ ] up because I know I can catch up
0 later
0 you know I can fix this later you know
0 I&;m I&;m a smart guy
0 I have a lot of potential I&;m just gonna
0 solve this problem later I know I could
0 compensate for it I know a miracle I can
0 pull off miracles and I can do this
0 later so that&;s another part of it I&;m
0 not sure if other people relate to that
0 it&;s like it&;s hundreds oh yeah I see a
0 lot of people nodding when you guys go
0 back and it goes back and forth between
0 the say shame and then pride so maybe
0 two two sides of the same coin yeah what
0 do y&;all think for me at least I guess I
0 was at one extreme when I was younger
0 where I just continually thought that
0 like I I had a massive ego I was at the
0 top of the world it was one and big
0 ambitious I still have extremely big
0 ambitions for this have a different
0 perspective on it now it&;s more like I&;m
0 scum but I guess I sort of think of it
0 as anything that I&;m able to accomplish
0 as someone as low as I am if I can do it
0 then maybe I can demonstrate to others
0 that anything is possible if someone is
0 bass and Lobos meet can do it as well
0 um I kind of resonate with the feeling
0 of like I&;m smart I can do this later
0 and it almost feels like manic
0 depression where you can oscillate
0 between feeling like I can&;t achieve
0 anything in life – I can become God and
0 you can just keep swinging back and
0 forth like that that&;s like when I was
0 younger my my teacher when I was about
0 probably 9 or 10 suggested that I be
0 moved up either 2 or 3 years in school
0 and she didn&;t want to move me further
0 because it would be disruptive because
0 of the age difference like with
0 teenagers but I refused because I was
0 kind of afraid of that
0 and she wanted me to go to Oxford and I
0 feel like I&;m now at a point where I&;ve
0 failed that but there&;s still a part of
0 me that thinks I could put a miracle out
0 of the bag and it&;s this constant
0 oscillation between thinking I&;m gonna
0 be homeless or like a multi-millionaire
0 and there&;s no in-between like it&;s just
0 one or the other all the time
0 so Toni&;s laughing
0 yeah absolutely I&;m either gonna you
0 know become not even a billionaire but
0 like just partially like a Messiah
0 Complex and or just oh my god I
0 I just want to fade into nothingness and
0 you know if a hint of nihilism comes in
0 when I&;m at hello and then my sia
0 complex when I&;m at my high and that
0 oscillation between there is as real and
0 and then sometimes the lows get lower
0 because okay
0 I&;ve been oscillating between these two
0 modes for how many years now and if I&;m
0 being almost honest with myself maybe I
0 do need help
0 so can&;t do this myself okay so we&;ve
0 come far away from porn addiction but I
0 think this is really important to talk
0 about so I mean I hope people who are
0 watching find this useful so I&;m gonna
0 try to offer once again a little bit
0 more kind of like of my opinion about
0 this subject so the first question is
0 like so let&;s let&;s just define what
0 we&;re talking about so I think that when
0 you guys we&;re talking about porn
0 addiction this particular problem
0 recruits part of our psychology which is
0 this like complete failure versus
0 superhuman amazing person like Messiah
0 genius versus you know no one who&;s
0 sitting at home playing video games and
0 jerking off
0 so this is a part of us that doesn&;t
0 just rely like it&;s not just porn
0 addiction that taps into this right it&;s
0 like professional expertise
0 it&;s dating life which we should
0 probably switch to dating in a few
0 minutes
0 you know it&;s it&;s like making money
0 it&;s being respected it&;s no FAP it&;s
0 like all of this stuff where and and you
0 guys are noticing that it you oscillate
0 quickly between these two things whether
0 the two things actually seem to be like
0 really connected right so it&;s it&;s it&;s
0 almost like you know sort of saying like
0 oh I keep on oscillating between being
0 awake and being asleep at night and it&;s
0 like yeah well that&;s because like
0 sleeping and waking fullness are like
0 fundamentally connected so these are two
0 modes that you operate between it&;s the
0 first question is do you guys think that
0 playing this game of sometimes feeling
0 like a genius and sometimes feeling like
0 a piece of [ __ ] like is that a good
0 strategy to live life does it work so
0 far okay so then the question is how do
0 we free ourselves of what I call the
0 problem of escalating impossibility
0 which is that the further you fall the
0 more you escalate what you need to do to
0 make yourself kind of feel better so
0 like at the beginning it&;s a little bit
0 impossible and then after you a year
0 goes by it becomes even more impossible
0 and even more impossible so in in ghosts
0 case he had a chance to skip a couple of
0 grades and then it became Oxford and now
0 it&;s like he has to do something even
0 bigger right
0 so how do we free ourselves from that
0 any idea it feels like it feels like
0 arrogance maybe a play somewhere yes
0 absolutely it can it can feel like um
0 I&;m gonna give myself all these debuffs
0 and watch what I can do
0 yeah watch me succeed even with the D
0 puffs yeah it feels kind of like some
0 showmanship and it&;s like making your
0 life harder than it has to be just to
0 prove a point
0 yep but I&;m not entirely sure that comes
0 from life go for Tony I for myself I
0 think my extreme side thinks that okay
0 I just have to change everything I&;m
0 doing because all that I&;ve been doing
0 has gotten me the same results so I have
0 to do everything differently or I think
0 my why&;s itself kind of this thinking
0 maybe I just have to change one key
0 thing and it&;s very I do it very gently
0 and you know I almost be effortless okay
0 if I if I just find the right thing that
0 I have to change so I&;m gonna go back to
0 ghosts so what we&;ll put a pin in what
0 Tony said which is essentially change
0 everything versus change one thing and
0 ghosts you kind of said that you don&;t
0 know where that arrogance comes from
0 where do you think it comes from
0 I think there&;s like a really just vast
0 supply of anger that&;s stored and it&;s
0 like almost I don&;t have to what it okay
0 so you guys get that like the part of
0 you that wants to be super human wants
0 to make up for the rest of you right
0 like that&;s why you you you are you
0 switch between being like ego to like
0 like super genius brilliant capable of
0 anything and like nothing so that you
0 guys see how there&;s like actually
0 balance there and the worse you feel
0 about yourself the more you begin to
0 fantasize about what you&;re capable of
0 so that&;s your your minds way of
0 actually protecting you from that shame
0 so it starts to build up this kind of
0 fantasy that you can accomplish this and
0 you can do this and you&;re gonna show in
0 and ghosts also mention let your gonna
0 like show something to someone that part
0 of this like you know I&;m gonna debuff
0 myself and then I&;m gonna do it and then
0 I&;m gonna show them who&;s them
0 yeah it&;s kind of bright sure like who
0 are you who are you trying to do that
0 for what are you trying that&;s a
0 demonstration do you guys get that the
0 goals that you set yourself are a
0 demonstration and a demonstration has an
0 audience right it&;s not actually like
0 just internal you&;re actually you know
0 no fapping for everybody else right so
0 what what are you trying to demonstrate
0 and who are you trying to demonstrate it
0 to maybe could be for just looking for
0 someone to like give you recognition and
0 affection that you have been like
0 missing out on for a long time
0 okay so recognition from others and what
0 will that do if you get recognition from
0 others there&;s the shameful part and
0 then there&;s the Massiah part right
0 there&;s the person whose level zero and
0 there&;s a person whose level 100 if you
0 get recognition from others who does
0 that help it reinforces our image of the
0 level 100 Pro but it feels like it helps
0 the little zero absolutely so you guys
0 see like the two are linked right
0 because the person who&;s really hungry
0 for recognition man you could say
0 they&;re both hungry for recognition and
0 then there&;s one other person so like so
0 when we demonstrate to the rest of the
0 world that we&;re capable of succeeding
0 despite all of our difficulties
0 so that&;s important to show the rest of
0 the world and then who else are we
0 trying to show our case absolutely right
0 so you guys like that&;s what you want
0 you guys get that like on the deepest
0 level it&;s not actually about other
0 people it&;s it&;s like Richard said I
0 mean he wants to be able to do it by
0 himself and and he wants to be you know
0 he wants to be an example to others but
0 like so I don&;t know I don&;t know how to
0 say this beyond just saying it he wants
0 to be an example to others the focus of
0 that statement is actually not on other
0 people
0 the focus he&;s not saying I want to help
0 others he wants to be an example for
0 others it&;s actually a deeply
0 egotistical statement yeah right
0 like you want to be the inspiration for
0 them and there&;s there&;s a part of that
0 that is absolutely altruistic and
0 absolutely designed like wanting to help
0 others the problem is that there&;s this
0 other weird complex that kind of like
0 hijacks that a little bit like it&;s not
0 about helping others it&;s about being
0 the person who is Superman like he&;s not
0 trying to trick like if you know he
0 could very easily just lie to everyone
0 and say that he&;s doing it and inspire
0 people that way right
0 like he can just tell everyone look
0 everyone I&;m doing it you can do it too
0 just live his entire life as a live
0 positivity and you can maybe inspire
0 tons of people and so I think it&;s good
0 that you guys don&;t do that right
0 because I think the other crazy thing
0 here is I&;m gonna ask other people so do
0 you think that Richard if Richard had
0 after last week been transformed and
0 become Superman
0 versus Richard stumbling after ten days
0 and then we continue to watch Richards
0 you know growth over over time which one
0 do you think is actually gonna help
0 people more definitely the ladder
0 yeah the stumbling because if if people
0 see the example where it&;s just
0 instantaneous it&;s like look guys I did
0 it I did this superhuman feat and they
0 attempt it and then based on bull then
0 they feel like that different and that
0 they&;ve failed in some way I say see a
0 stumble
0 success story they say oh this person&;s
0 human and they succeeded therefore I can
0 do it sit right because here&;s the thing
0 if if Richard wakes up one day in a
0 Superman anything that he discovers
0 about his life in his playbook doesn&;t
0 apply to anyone else
0 because they&;re not they&;re not supermen
0 buying exceptional means that everyone
0 else isn&;t is not everyone can be
0 exceptional yes or yeah but I think
0 everyone can be exceptional but I I
0 think we&;re talking about the same thing
0 right so I I think the first thing to
0 understand is that you know when it
0 comes to this kind of stuff so like all
0 of us are flawed and none of us are
0 supermen so Richard is right in terms of
0 you know what he hypothesized I was
0 gonna say but I think the trick here is
0 not letting go of the Superman it&;s
0 actually letting go of the idea that
0 you&;re a failure because the Superman
0 arises out of the idea that you&;re a
0 [ __ ] right so what you really need to
0 do if you want to be free from this
0 whole complex is don&;t try to be
0 ordinary just just understand that like
0 stumbling is a part of life right and
0 like Tony was kind of saying that like
0 you know the game the goal of meditation
0 is not to have a still mind the goal of
0 meditation is to be able to bring your
0 mind back to a point where you want it
0 to every time your mind wanders and you
0 bring it back to where you want it to
0 that&;s doing a push-up because you&;re
0 strengthening the capacity for you to
0 control your mind
0 and it&;s like excelling in spire floors
0 rather than being flawless exactly so so
0 if I have to pick a strategy in life
0 it&;s not perfection it&;s damage control
0 so just think about this like if you&;re
0 trying to like play a game like you know
0 there are different kinds of builds you
0 can do I don&;t know if you got I play
0 RPGs so like you know there&;s like
0 evasion tanking which is the idea that
0 you have a low HP pool and you never get
0 hit and then there&;s also like damage
0 mitigation with a healer like evasion
0 tanking is like a super high-risk
0 high-reward kind of strategy because if
0 you get a hit once you&;re dead
0 the more reliable strategy is learning
0 damage control
0 so to accept that you&;re gonna [ __ ] up
0 and learn how to fix it so I&;d say that
0 you know a lot of my success comes from
0 the basic idea that I&;m gonna just kind
0 of suck at life and that that&;s okay and
0 that I can learn and I can grow and I
0 can improve so Richard says that I
0 failed after ten days I&;ve been doing my
0 best to you know put my psychiatrist
0 face on and not actually show my emotion
0 but there&;s a part of me that&;s like
0 that&;s amazing man you went ten days
0 without jerking off yeah so like can we
0 just like pause to just think about that
0 for a second like if you skydive man
0 boom if you school like what if you
0 screw up once every ten days when it
0 comes to masturbation that&;s actually
0 just a normal amount of masturbation or
0 even less normal a naughty percent
0 success rate like that&;s what you&;re
0 looking for you&;re not looking for
0 celibacy I mean maybe you are no fab
0 right so like whatever y&;all&;s goals are
0 but like like it this is the other thing
0 so people think I&;m gonna just talk for
0 a second about sobriety and and relapse
0 and all that kind of crap we can talk
0 about this too but I&;m just gonna share
0 some thoughts so like you know people
0 don&;t get sober overnight even though
0 that&;s how they perceive it so like what
0 happens when you go to an a a meeting is
0 like you know you see a guy who&;s like
0 yeah I&;m here for my one-year chip and
0 other dudes there for their five-year
0 chip and so what people look at is they
0 look at someone and they see five years
0 of sobriety that started one like five
0 years ago on the day they look at one
0 year of sobriety that started one year
0 ago and that&;s our perception of success
0 because success is being sober for a
0 year for five years and the dude who&;s
0 five years sober do you guys know how
0 old he is 55 you guys been to a meetings
0 like there a lot of old dudes at AAA
0 meetings right okay so it&;s worthwhile
0 to go to an a a meeting like once in
0 your life I think it&;s a wonderfully
0 inspirational experience probably one of
0 my best experiences from that school
0 actually and so the interesting thing is
0 that like you know sobriety is something
0 that you practice so when I work with
0 people what I see is like okay they&;ve
0 been using for 18 months and then they
0 go like three months of sobriety and
0 then they relapse and they feel awful
0 about themselves and we work through
0 that and then they go nine months
0 without using and then they relapse and
0 they feel awful about that over time the
0 duration between their relapses
0 increases and the severity of their
0 relapses and duration of their relapses
0 actually goes down
0 so there are some times where I really
0 like stop and think because I feel like
0 should I actually so either I&;ve even
0 even patients that I&;m considered sort
0 of terminating with so like not firing
0 but sort of saying hey I don&;t think I
0 can help you because you keep on
0 relapsing and so as a provider I stop
0 and I think like okay I&;m not just not
0 getting through to this person but when
0 I actually stop and I like go through my
0 notes I realize oh this guy has had two
0 relapses in the last 24 months and for
0 the five years before that they were
0 using pretty much every day so like
0 understand that relapse is a part of it
0 but what you need to look at is like how
0 long does the relapse last how bad is it
0 and how much how quickly can you kind of
0 get back on the wagon does that make
0 sense yeah and so you guys are gonna
0 [ __ ] up but like that&;s normal like
0 you&;re you&;re learning you&;re like
0 learning how to control this thing and
0 they&;re gonna be periods of times where
0 you guys are gonna do a good job at it
0 and they&;re gonna be periods of times
0 that you&;re gonna do a bad job at it and
0 there are gonna be times where you do a
0 good job and something really
0 unfortunate is gonna happen in your life
0 that is going to emotionally wear on you
0 and then your capacity for like
0 willpower and discipline is gonna get
0 tanked because you&;re dealing with all
0 this emotional crap right so like the
0 first question that pops into my I don&;t
0 think there&;s actually true but you know
0 I someone like Richard I&;d be really
0 careful about like the way that your dad
0 judges you and whether that relates to
0 you fapping and when I talked to out
0 like some of you other guys like it
0 sounds like there are other things that
0 go on like Tony sort of says he thinks
0 it&;s a symptom of a problem
0 when we talked to bear that too is like
0 his way of getting out of his like head
0 in his analysis paralysis and his
0 feelings of like shame for not being
0 what his like cultural group wants him
0 to be and so if we really think about it
0 like it&;s not just the fapping it&;s like
0 all this other crap in the real solution
0 is to deal with all of those things
0 right because if bear is like securing
0 the person he is if he learns how to
0 train his mind a little bit better if
0 Tony not only stops trying to change
0 everything all at once and then Tony&;s
0 trying to change one thing at a time
0 what Tony really needs to learn how to
0 do is change nothing right so Tony needs
0 to accept where he is and that mistakes
0 are gonna be made and that he&;s exactly
0 where he&;s supposed to be and that over
0 time he can change his life but that
0 fundamentally there&;s nothing wrong with
0 him so if you feel like you have to
0 change something that means that
0 something&;s not right but this is
0 important to understand you can only be
0 like I don&;t know if this is this is
0 gonna make no sense okay so you guys can
0 only be the things that you are you
0 can&;t be anyone else like bear you can&;t
0 be in a doctoral program right now like
0 it&;s just not possible like like reality
0 is like one thing a reality is not
0 actually possibilities reality is not
0 like reality is just what it is does
0 that make sense
0 look I know this is gonna sound weird
0 can you reader iterate on the
0 possibilities reality is not
0 possibilities yes are you guys right now
0 like you can&;t be anywhere except for
0 where you are like it is literally
0 impossible for you to be anything but
0 who you are where you are when you are
0 in this moment only then now there&;s no
0 actual future there&;s no past it&;s only
0 there now yeah and the present is the
0 only place in which you have agency you
0 can&;t change the past by thinking about
0 it and you can&;t change the future but
0 you only have agency to change things in
0 the exact Karma
0 yes and so since you let so this is
0 gonna sound absolutely crazy but since
0 you do not have the power to go into the
0 past and change your decisions you
0 actually have no power to be except for
0 where you are
0 that&;s like nearly impossible
0 Oh God just to share my experience I
0 every time I&;m reminded of that I can
0 take a deep breath and accept that and
0 then maybe you know it could be an hour
0 later or a day later then I lose that
0 that that mindset of just allowing
0 myself to be me
0 so I I in a way I relate that to
0 relapsing every time I forget that I all
0 I need to do is just be myself
0 right now that&;s a win but then when I
0 forget that that&;s to me it&;s like
0 parallel to a relapse yep yeah because
0 because what so the thing that that
0 results in relapse so when you are able
0 to be where you are now you enter sort
0 of like a non-judgmental state you&;re
0 free from a lot of the things that you
0 turn to pornography to protect you from
0 feelings of shame just wanting to
0 relieve what&;s going on in your head
0 like so sometimes just the process in
0 your head can be just so burdensome and
0 just sucks it&;s like you know it&;s like
0 so I used to hate PE class because it
0 was just dumb and it was like I would
0 just run in a circle for like 30 minutes
0 and I was like not very athletic and
0 part of the other problem was I was
0 younger than everyone else in my grade
0 so you know it&;s like seven and was
0 playing like sports with eight-year-olds
0 like you&;re at a huge disadvantage and I
0 just never understood that so I thought
0 I was just bad at it sports and things
0 like that but like PE just sucked and it
0 felt like I was just like it just felt
0 torturous like I&;m just running around
0 for like half an hour and it&;s just
0 awful I don&;t feel good physically I
0 don&;t feel good mentally and and you&;re
0 just in your head and it just feels like
0 really really burdensome and you just
0 want it to stop and then along comes
0 porn addiction or video games or any
0 number of other or drugs
0 that can make it stop right and so why
0 wouldn&;t you use it because you just
0 want to stop what&;s that whatever is
0 going on in your head I mean what&;s
0 going on in your head is coming from a
0 couple of places the first is you know I
0 was saying like you know the problem
0 isn&;t fixing the Messiah the problem is
0 letting go of feeling ashamed of
0 yourself like if you can be comfortable
0 with the person that you are today you
0 don&;t need anything to make you feel
0 better right if you can be what other if
0 you can tell yourself what other people
0 in this chat are telling you if you can
0 Richard if you can start channeling the
0 voice of these folks instead of your dad
0 right if you can talk to yourself in
0 that way
0 then it becomes easier to be the person
0 that you are and if you can like if you
0 can be tranquil in the moment then the
0 need for porn addiction goes down not
0 saying it&;s just all cured right because
0 they&;re also like habits and other kinds
0 of like like neurons play but I I think
0 that&;s really I mean all this stuff
0 comes down to just being comfortable
0 with where you are and accepting that
0 just because you&;ve made mistakes in
0 life just because you didn&;t jump ahead
0 to grades just because you&;re not an
0 adduct role program just because you
0 didn&;t go to Oxford just because you
0 didn&;t finish cleaning the garage on
0 time or any number of other things right
0 that like actually you&;re not in a
0 stream holding on to a log you&;re in a
0 kiddie pool and you can just put your
0 feet on the ground and you can get out
0 of the water but that&;s not what it
0 feels like can I interrupt you really
0 yeah of course um so I was yesterday for
0 the Miss gift stream you were talking
0 about ADHD and how he had certain
0 tendencies like the need to be funny
0 when he feels stupid is strengthening
0 that went what&;s the wind I or Vetta
0 I ever yeah and so I&;m trying to think
0 of it now how I&;m using this kind of
0 like superhero complex and you said
0 something that I stopped you on it&;s
0 reality
0 you can&;t you can&;t live in possibility
0 you can only live in reality when I&;m in
0 those tough moments when like let&;s say
0 when I get urges I like do this thing
0 where you know how like the superhero
0 complex there&;s the flip coin there&;s
0 that there&;s a superhuman and then
0 there&;s the the level zero screw-up and
0 in my strengthening so like how misc if
0 was strengthening his relationship with
0 his ire Vetta like using that tendency
0 over and over again am i doing that by
0 living in that possibility when I&;m when
0 I&;m in this when I&;m in this urge state
0 and I live into the possibility of being
0 perfect and being a superhuman am i
0 reinforcing that complex when I live
0 into that possibility
0 absolutely so in my opinion yes so I
0 think the key thing that&;s why we
0 started with so like when you when we
0 think about ourselves as a superhuman
0 that comes with the other side you guys
0 see that because a superhuman is born
0 out of shame and that&;s why if you hear
0 what everyone is saying everyone talks
0 about Oscillation no one here has said
0 oh I feel half of it but I don&;t feel
0 the other half like just think about
0 that for a second there&;s no look
0 without lying exactly right so this is
0 the concept of something in sanskrit
0 called Advait Vedanta which means non
0 dualism that duality is fundamentally
0 false and all that is is what is right
0 you&;re not Richard you&;re not good
0 you&;re not bad you&;re just you
0 you&;re not sufficient you&;re not
0 insufficient you&;re just you right like
0 like the only thing that you are is like
0 what you are and where you are and
0 that&;s all there is and so in this
0 moment you either have the capacity to
0 resist the urge or you don&;t have the
0 capacity to resist the urge and you have
0 to be careful because if you have an
0 addictive brain your addictive brain is
0 gonna say oh yeah I don&;t have the
0 capacity to resist the urge and then you
0 notice that and you recognize okay is
0 that the addictive brain that&;s talking
0 or do I really have the capacity to
0 resist the urge and then you realize
0 that whether you have the capacity to
0 resist the urge or not is dependent on
0 you because capacity is about the future
0 it&;s not about the now it&;s a potentials
0 thing which is it&;s a potential state
0 which is yes and if I had to ask you
0 Richard you know like how did you go ten
0 days without fapping or watching porn or
0 whatever you know like mmm oh this is
0 great yeah I was I just filled my day
0 with doing stuff and then by the end of
0 the day I was already so exhausted that
0 I just went to bed so like like you see
0 how that has no there&;s no capacity
0 there&;s no potential that is just doing
0 mm-hmm what you filled your days with
0 stuff that&;s your solution right that
0 you engage in the present time and time
0 and time again and I don&;t know what
0 happened on day ten so there could be
0 all kinds of yeah yeah I guess there&;s
0 an element of like I was just exhausted
0 I didn&;t like when I was doing stuff
0 beforehand on the tenth day I didn&;t
0 have that energy to do stuff and then
0 what I did is I just I was just out of
0 energy I don&;t know yeah so and like
0 that sounds like so that sounds
0 forgivable to me now I don&;t know
0 exactly what a relapse looks like for
0 you guys right so like sometimes and
0 this is where you know how okay is it to
0 relapse I think it depends on what a
0 relapse looks like so I mean I I&;m an
0 addiction psychiatrist in my day job so
0 I work with people who you know their
0 relapses look bad like and fatally I&;ve
0 had two people I&;ve worked with in the
0 last year have passed away unfortunately
0 and and so like it&;s relapses can be bad
0 and in your case like what does a
0 relapse look like like what relapses
0 look like for you guys for me it&;s just
0 like anywhere between a wasted
0 hour to three hours and just a bad
0 feeling afterwards and then just wanting
0 to be alone afterwards then not wanting
0 to be productive afterwards
0 and not wanting to be social afterwards
0 for how long so we have the the overall
0 effect including the relapse itself and
0 the shameful afterglow anywhere between
0 an hour to the rest of the day yeah okay
0 it feels like the definition is really
0 subjective and it&;s kind of I feel like
0 you just have to be honest with your in
0 a sense of I feel like you sort of just
0 know whether you&;ve relapsed or not but
0 you can lie to yourself and kind of
0 rationalize that something wasn&;t
0 relapse with really arbitrary metrics I
0 guess so it&;s just all about honesty
0 with yourself err did you want to say
0 something
0 you&;ve been yeah relapse for me it&;s it
0 can be wildly variant but like it can be
0 as Tony said where it&;s just like
0 happens and then there&;s like a period
0 of shamefulness and then uh when like
0 for example my depression was really bad
0 it can like end up where the shame like
0 feeds into negative loop thoughts cycle
0 and then like things get very mentally
0 serious for me and then you can get very
0 possibly lethal for me yeah right so I I
0 think you know that there is a lot of
0 individuality to this and also frankly a
0 wide spectrum of severity right so I
0 mean if you also suffer from depression
0 or whatnot like it&;s you got to be
0 careful because all this stuff like
0 feeds on like they&;re all buddies like
0 this is the problem is like you guys are
0 playing a single-player game but like
0 your demons are playing multiplayer
0 like you guys are so low cueing and
0 they&;re like a five stack and it [ __ ]
0 sucks
0 if the solo carry yeah like you&;re
0 playing with a bunch of these pubs who
0 like you&;d rather have bots on your team
0 and then they&;re you know like your
0 depression being for an addiction and
0 your video game addiction and your you
0 know shame from not having a job and
0 your shame from not having a girlfriend
0 like the five of them queue up and then
0 like you know I don&;t know if you guys
0 have seen this like I play dota but like
0 when people&;s like you know when they&;re
0 like the pictures next to their names
0 like line up to form an image you guys
0 see Matt and like that&;s when you know
0 like when it&;s like the bare bones of
0 your old Kim Jang Geun or something and
0 then and you know they&;re also like
0 different they&;re different ranks right
0 so like some people have bad depression
0 so it&;s like some like you know some
0 high level player who&;s smurfing I used
0 to play overwatch with a couple of
0 buddies of mine who were pros and they
0 would just it would be a [ __ ] joke
0 when I would play tracer and he just
0 killed their entire team over and over
0 and over and over and over again and so
0 the result was that I never learned how
0 to play overwatch he would literally
0 like be like 27 and Oh at the end of the
0 game he would just give all of them
0 and so I still don&;t know how to play
0 overwatch but it&;s it&;s tough right so I
0 think when it when it comes down to it
0 you know if I have to summarize so the
0 first thing to understand is that be
0 careful about your fantasies in your
0 Superman because is bizarre as that
0 sounds like the reason that you guys
0 believe in your Superman is because you
0 guys actually are capable of that
0 because Superman has existed for you and
0 you&;ve gone the extra mile and you&;ve
0 done things that are actually superhuman
0 and so on the one hand I want you guys
0 to understand that you know a lot of
0 people think about teams is there like
0 like who you are like you try to define
0 by your weakest link like that&;s what we
0 do we define ourselves by our low points
0 in life but what you should really do is
0 define yourself by your high point
0 because that&;s actually what you&;re
0 capable of right and it&;s not about the
0 future it&;s not about hope it&;s not
0 about fantasy it&;s about what you&;ve
0 actually done before if you can go ten
0 days without fapping you can go ten days
0 again if you can go three years without
0 a drink you can go three years again
0 like if you&;ve done it once you can do
0 it again that&;s something that we know
0 right like that&;s a statement of fact
0 you can do it again the second thing is
0 to be aware that like you have to let go
0 of your Superman complex and you have to
0 let go of your level zero newb you have
0 to let go of the person who&;s [ __ ] up
0 because like as crazy as it sounds like
0 you couldn&;t have been different before
0 right you&;re not the person that you are
0 today you&;re every day makes you uxp up
0 a little bit and you like learn things
0 and you level up your skill like that&;s
0 what happens in life do you guys like
0 Remember Who y&;all were five years ago
0 like you remember that kid yeah like
0 that kid didn&;t know anything right you
0 learned so much and just because you
0 don&;t have a doctorate or like your life
0 – isn&;t moving forward in kind of a very
0 noticeable way doesn&;t mean that you
0 aren&;t getting better and this kind of
0 goes back to this idea of the ten year
0 overnight success so like you know
0 people think of all of these like
0 institutions as overnight successes and
0 I mean if you just look at them you know
0 slates in progress
0 absolutely so like a good example that I
0 use with is Airbnb you guys know what
0 Airbnb is so air B&B launched four times
0 they had three launches that were just
0 complete failures and then their fourth
0 launch was wildly successful like even
0 when it comes to healthy gamer it&;s like
0 you know I used to get together on back
0 in 2000 the end of 2017 and I started
0 working with gamers on discord there
0 were like 10 of us we worked together
0 for a year we were very very small and
0 it was still fun and it was like really
0 enjoyable and we helped people a lot and
0 then over the past couple of weeks like
0 literally weeks we&;ve blown up but like
0 this has been a story that&;s like
0 decades in the making and you guys just
0 see like so this is where you know it
0 also comes back to being Superman so
0 something that I try very hard to do is
0 like actually avoid the Messiah Complex
0 of myself so people think I&;m special my
0 whole point is that I&;m not
0 right like the reason that I can say
0 this stuff is because you know I used to
0 play playstation and jerk off all the
0 time when I was a freshman in college
0 like that&;s just what every day was it&;s
0 like skipping class jerking off playing
0 PlayStation and apparently like making
0 girls cry when they try to give you
0 their number right like I mean just how
0 bad is that&;s just bad guys that&;s bad
0 yeah I did all of that except for the
0 PlayStation yeah so props dude so do you
0 have a time to get into relationship
0 absolutely let&;s do it yeah
0 quicker wait um just I want to host like
0 one question gallon you mentioned like
0 doshas before I just wanted to I&;m
0 curious if you have like a solid idea
0 where everyone&;s doshas here after just
0 like an hour of talking to her
0 sure do you have like a solid idea for
0 everyone yeah I think so
0 you want another thing artists that
0 would be fun yeah okay so I think
0 Richard is predominantly pizza I think
0 bear is predominantly goof-up Aaron I
0 think you were Vuitton gufa ghosts I
0 think you&;re bitten maybe Vata and Tony
0 maybe I&;m not so sure about Tony you
0 have you have fought the features and
0 Gotha features actually but hard to say
0 yeah I think part of me just likes to be
0 ambiguous and not be pigeonholed so for
0 some reason I I think I subconsciously
0 try to mmm be everything you know like
0 all the good time
0 like be amorphous yeah but let&;s let&;s
0 move on to relationships go sorry I I
0 want to just make sure we have time for
0 this but I&;m always I would love to talk
0 more about my brother but that&;s my
0 initial instinct so who wants to so
0 let&;s talk about relationships well I&;m
0 not sure if this is appropriate before
0 we move on I want to quickly say like
0 you know I feel good about this and I
0 love you guys for being here and thank
0 you for sharing you know yeah especially
0 into the hard parts yeah man and then
0 with that being said relationships right
0 now I feel like I&;m avoiding
0 relationships because I feel like I
0 thought I don&;t want a part of me feels
0 like I&;m I want that I want to be you
0 know again the the level 100 pro first
0 otherwise bad things will happen
0 otherwise the other person will get hurt
0 and I also afraid of rejection I think
0 that&;s where I&;m at
0 who else wants to be perfect before they
0 start no surprise right so what does
0 that mean when I say who wants to be
0 perfect before they start
0 maybe it&;s an idea go for it bear yep
0 it&;s like oh we bought we want to be
0 that Superman that super super human
0 being before we jump into something that
0 might make us more vulnerable why
0 why is it important to be perfect before
0 you start okay will table it so first of
0 all being perfect before you start is
0 that damage mitigation with healing or
0 evasion tanking evasion very good guys
0 see that
0 good so we&;ll get we&;ll get to what that
0 means okay so and then also Tony you
0 said is that you you know you want to be
0 level 100 before you start and then what
0 was the other thing that&;s keeping you
0 from engaging in a relationship so what
0 I feel really down when in wouldn&;t in
0 the past I&;ve let people down and I&;m
0 especially hurt when other people are
0 hurt
0 so those and I think I&;ve been scarred
0 from that you know I&;m because I&;ve let
0 myself down so many times I&;m kind of
0 that to some degree but it really hurts
0 when yeah thank you
0 when other people that I care about are
0 genuinely hurt and then that&;s part of
0 me can&;t forgive myself for hurting
0 other people for being reckless or just
0 not being prepared or not being
0 responsible for what I am putting myself
0 into other people have just general
0 thoughts about the way that they view
0 relationships my well I guess as of
0 right now I&;m just avoiding
0 relationships because last one I was
0 then I was cheated on and so like sorry
0 two of them well yeah it&;s fine it just
0 goes further to reinforce like I haven&;t
0 had self-confidence issues in a while
0 but when something like that happens it
0 goes
0 to destroy a lot of progress than making
0 that area and then also my relationships
0 that have always just been a mess I just
0 can&;t seem to find a healthy
0 relationship I&;ve been in a relationship
0 to where I was like I break up with them
0 and then I was like harassed for months
0 after by them relationships or like I&;ve
0 been cheated on yeah it&;s just never
0 been healthy interactions with me with
0 relationships that sucks man yeah and
0 for me like every time I hear horror
0 stories from other people you know it
0 makes me feel like like [ __ ] I don&;t
0 want to get involved with that then you
0 know with all the bad news that I hear
0 and you know I just I&;m just filled with
0 fear and and pain avoidance every time I
0 hear something like that happens and on
0 top of that you know I didn&;t have my
0 parents be in a best relationship as I
0 was going older and even to this point
0 so that&;s for me that&;s a big part of it
0 just not seeing a healthy relationship
0 right in front of my eyes over and over
0 again so that I can be inspired and I
0 can model that down to my subconscious
0 level I like that
0 yeah I resonate with that too I actually
0 just got out of like one of those horror
0 story relationships where it was a whole
0 lot of gaslighting abuse to the point
0 where I was beginning to become
0 delusional and my friends my family and
0 even my therapist started to turn on me
0 to a certain things
0 it was it&;s a very crazy situation I
0 don&;t know if this is voyeuristic but I
0 find myself being very curious curious
0 how I yeah me too
0 I&;m willing to answer all questions I
0 very respect curiosity yeah bear I&;m
0 particularly surprised that in a
0 relationship it sounds like everyone
0 around you turned on you that&;s really I
0 don&;t think I&;ve heard of that happening
0 even including your therapist like
0 that&;s really strange
0 so it was I&;m a really highly empathetic
0 individual and I&;m very agreeable and YX
0 was I mean I would label her as a covert
0 narcissist and she just kind of got
0 everyone to turn on me I don&;t really
0 know how but they were they got to the
0 point where my friends in my family and
0 even my therapist started to Gaslight me
0 along with with the same stories that
0 she would tell me it sounds awful man
0 yeah for those who I mean maybe
0 something you gather I know but from
0 what I&;ve heard and read when you&;re
0 very empathic you naturally attract
0 narcissists to know to take advantage of
0 that situation hundreds yeah and then to
0 add on to that like I think I&;m
0 naturally empathic and then being afraid
0 of being hurt by narcissist
0 I kind of shove away my empathy
0 sometimes and sometimes I&;m a jerk so I
0 don&;t get taken advantage of and then
0 sometimes if I&;m not careful I&;m
0 paranoid of becoming a narcissist myself
0 like I&;m swinging to the other extreme
0 yeah you know I&;m always asking myself
0 oh my god am I gonna become a narcissist
0 and my you know cuz I want to be the
0 other and like I shift what I&;d rather
0 hurt people or be hurt you know whereas
0 I&;d rather be just me I&;ve been
0 described as um by like multiple girls
0 as impenetrable in the sense that they
0 feel like when they try to get through
0 to me someone said that they even if
0 they talk to me for years they feel like
0 they wouldn&;t truly know me like they
0 know other people and the as much depth
0 as other people have they feel like
0 everyone has a core but I&;ve been told
0 that they feel like with me it&;s just
0 more and more less and then I was
0 telling this to one of my friends and
0 then he said that it seems like it&;s a
0 shifting puzzle that you can peel back a
0 larren and the whole thing reshapes and
0 then you&;re even more confused and it&;s
0 like this subconscious thing where I
0 just can&;t let anyone in and it&;s like
0 I&;ve never truly seen and I don&;t know
0 it&;s or just terrifies me what terrifies
0 you there&;s a lot of aspects to it like
0 feels like I don&;t know the depth of my
0 self which is quite scary and it&;s like
0 maybe I can never truly be myself in
0 front of anyone not even myself because
0 of what what I may find that you know
0 that&;s so significant that I&;m blocking
0 it even for myself and then maybe I
0 can&;t ever
0 unravel that puzzle so I&;m gonna ask the
0 group a question and I want to give
0 Richard a chance to share if he wants to
0 but do you guys feel like you&;ll be all
0 know ghosts yeah kind of yeah yeah what
0 do you think about that Ghost
0 well actually two it goes just so you
0 understand where I&;m coming from I feel
0 like I like I know where you&;re coming
0 from but you just take it a one or two
0 steps further but not that far not not
0 too far from from my Syrian coast what
0 do you think of um okay I kind of I
0 understand why you&;d say that but I also
0 feel like there are multiple aspects to
0 a person in that you can have a persona
0 and you can either sort you&;re getting
0 do you think we&;re getting a persona I
0 think you&;re getting hints of every so
0 often there&;s like a moment of depth but
0 then it can kind of go back to persona
0 like there&;s a lot of things that I just
0 don&;t say sure and I would say that most
0 of the people here know who you are how
0 does that sit with you
0 I&;m not sure I agree because I feel like
0 yep how would it sit with you
0 what is so I know you don&;t agree but
0 how does it sit with you if people do
0 know who you are uncomfortable because
0 I&;m not sure that I know who I am yeah
0 I&;d like to be able to have people know
0 who I am and be my authentic self but I
0 I kind of just it feels like I&;ve my
0 entire life I felt like a hurricane that
0 just destroys anything that gets too
0 close so I try to keep people away and
0 that&;s sort of why I evade and that it&;s
0 a combination of not wanting to get hurt
0 but also not wanting to hurt others
0 so ghosts I&;m gonna interrupt you in a
0 very insensitive way just ask the group
0 cuz I&;m gonna just I&;m gonna bludgeon
0 you with a hammer so so would you guys
0 describe your experiences with ghosts
0 would you guys describe him as a tornado
0 that hurts everything in its path
0 definitely not potentially to be honest
0 potentially yeah what do you guys see
0 he&;s very insightful very very ins he&;s
0 caring he tries to uh it&;s always trying
0 to rationalize things and ways and
0 connects to people in ways that way they
0 can feel more personal with what&;s going
0 on so very I guess little it&;s a little
0 selfless thing to do but it&;s like
0 appreciated stop ghost is cool as [ __ ]
0 look at him right now he is stoic you
0 know his accent he&;s in the shadow of it
0 now look at that that&;s so [ __ ] cool
0 Wow yeah ghost everything he said just
0 him like a u-turn it was completely
0 alien to me I don&;t I don&;t see that I
0 see someone expressing an authentic
0 vulnerable side to themselves on stream
0 and I don&;t see any tornado I don&;t see
0 any shifting puzzle and does anyone else
0 see that I don&;t see
0 so ghosts like generally speaking like
0 the people on this stream tend to be
0 pretty right right
0 like when they say stuff I think that
0 like I I would I would venture that you
0 think that what they have to say or the
0 way that you&;ve demonstrated yourself
0 maybe you&;re you know putting on a
0 persona is that you you tend to respect
0 and value what other people say it seems
0 like a lot of what they&;ve said has
0 resonated with you and a lot of what
0 you&;ve said is resonated with them would
0 you agree with that yeah I would agree
0 with that so how I feel like how do you
0 explain that these guys think that
0 you&;re this awesome person they also
0 know who you are
0 they&;re strangers across the internet
0 you guys have presumably been talking
0 about porn addiction for a couple of
0 hours what how how does that work I
0 think I be caring but maybe it&;s that&;s
0 definitely a destructive streak in me
0 trauma that can be quite unsettling
0 because it like that definitely is this
0 caring part to me but when people see
0 that destructive element of me it kind
0 of terrifies them because they wonder
0 how there can be such I&;m almost sort of
0 scared of that part of myself sure like
0 a like the Jungian shadow in a sense I
0 guess yeah I also have that sort of
0 sense that&;s why I&;m not afraid of it
0 seen it myself
0 and I guess um I think I&;m quite I&;m a
0 few years older than you so I like I&;m
0 used to it more so that&;s why I&;m not
0 really afraid of it like when you talked
0 earlier about this like sea of anger
0 that you might have I resonated a lot
0 with me but uh yeah I&;m not afraid of it
0 can you tell us about a little bit about
0 how your relationship with Aaron your
0 your sea of anger has changed over time
0 a lot of it was there was always like a
0 focal point to it when I was younger it
0 was like my circumstances and other
0 people and when I got a little bit older
0 it turned into me and y&;all just get
0 stuck in like this whirlpool
0 swirling around and it ends it&;s just
0 always centered on you and then I hit a
0 point in my life where I just like hit
0 rock bottom so hard that it bounced off
0 the floor and kind of broke who I was
0 and my ego and once that happens it was
0 just like all the raging waters of anger
0 just sort of like calmed down I was able
0 to just be yes that that resonates Arlo
0 in the sense of like you said that you
0 sort of directed out yourself and I&;m
0 wondering if that&;s because you did that
0 come from you not wanting to hurt other
0 people so you felt if I&;m gonna hurt
0 anyone it&;s gonna be myself is that what
0 okay yeah oh yeah that makes a lot yeah
0 that resonates like really deeply yes I
0 was so scared of hurting others and like
0 I still have that like innate fear that
0 I can be like a little insensitive or I
0 can like what the switch then all of a
0 sudden I&;m like this just evil person
0 and I can just hate everyone and
0 everything and I won&;t care about anyone
0 but I guess you start to realize that uh
0 I don&;t know you everything just seems
0 to calm down
0 once you find those connections with
0 people and the more that you find is the
0 more that it seems to like calm the
0 waters when I was uh when I was fifteen
0 my plan was like I felt like all I was
0 was just a ball of suffering and I felt
0 like a ticking time bomb and I thought
0 if I go on living like this and I go on
0 trying to interact with people I&;m just
0 going to spread as much suffering into
0 the world as possible so the most
0 productive solution I saw in my fifteen
0 year old brain was I&;m just gonna
0 isolate myself completely from everyone
0 sever ties be annoying because if I&;m
0 this ticking time bomb the best thing I
0 can do is kill myself so to minimize the
0 impact of my death I&;ll just push
0 everyone as far away as possible to the
0 point where everyone forgets about me
0 because the further they are from the
0 explosion the less hurt they are and I
0 thought this that in the short term
0 suicide would hurt other people more but
0 in the long run I would prevent any
0 further damage that I could do to people
0 but I&;ve since kind of I&;ve sat with
0 that that self-hate for so
0 long in like the last month I&;ve kind of
0 gotten just sick of it to the point
0 where off like the first time in 18
0 years of my life I actually am trying to
0 be my own advocate and view myself as a
0 person that&;s worthy of happiness
0 because I never thought it was yeah I
0 want to relate that to that just a bit
0 like yesterday there was events going in
0 my house that were triggering me and you
0 know usually I would just kind of
0 abandon my inner child but then
0 yesterday I just kind of like try to
0 soothe myself and be my own advocate be
0 my own friend and just like be there for
0 myself and kind of let the outer
0 triggering shitty world kind of fade out
0 and just be there with myself and like
0 you know take care of my my inner you
0 know just take care of myself like my
0 inner child like like Tony it&;s it&;s
0 alright man I&;m with you man I&;m gonna
0 take care of you like it&;s gonna be
0 [ __ ] shitty outside but I&;m here for
0 you yeah yeah I&;m glad to hear them
0 actually and if you don&;t mind you said
0 that your ego you had to experience that
0 brokered ego and then everything calmed
0 down can you just give a um I&;m not sure
0 how into detail I can go into it on
0 streem other than volts yeah it&;s um I
0 had two very near-death experiences and
0 I guess that puts a lot of pressure on
0 the mind and it just sort of um it was
0 almost like flicking a switch and
0 everything just seemed to calm down
0 almost like an apathetic state but
0 because I wasn&;t like born apathetic i
0 stoled like knew what emotions were I
0 was I&;ve been able to like slowly like
0 reintroduce myself
0 mature way like how to process emotions
0 out to you like be frustrated instead of
0 like raging you like be just like sad
0 and be able to grieve instead of just
0 being like writhing and despair just
0 like being able to tone back the
0 extremities of those emotions and also
0 turn back the Messiah Complex that I had
0 thanks for sharing your I want to just
0 kind of so I have man so many questions
0 so first is like we&;re talking about
0 some dark [ __ ] how do you guys feel good
0 Sara oh good I feel good I feel great
0 weird good yeah like this is some real I
0 mean this is some dark stuff right and
0 even ghosts even has his SIF lighting on
0 so I mean we&;re talking about this you
0 know we&;re talking about the Maori
0 Jedi&;s okay
0 so we&;re talking about you know
0 different we&;re talking about just a lot
0 of bad stuff and yet have you guys seen
0 the comments from the YouTube the
0 comments to the YouTube video of our
0 last session
0 not particularly no so I don&;t usually
0 look at like our own social media cuz I
0 just try to steer clear of it but that
0 is some of the most inspiring [ __ ] I&;ve
0 ever seen can you give like in it&;s hard
0 to describe just just the overwhelming
0 amount of positivity and hope that the
0 last stream is created from for random
0 people who comment on YouTube videos is
0 staggering and oh my YouTube comments
0 are accessible so that&;s that&;s good to
0 hit I&;ve just as stunned as you are
0 right so like you you take a place like
0 YouTube and like you guys know what
0 YouTube comments are like right it&;s
0 like worse than twitch at its the
0 underbelly of society it&;s the worst and
0 then you take a group of people talking
0 about porn addiction and you stick that
0 on YouTube and you expect you know just
0 the cesspool of the cessful like for all
0 the people who live in the cesspool
0 you go into their septic tank and that&;s
0 what it should create yeah and yet
0 somehow something something very strange
0 is happening here that you guys are
0 talking about some really dark and bad
0 [ __ ] right you&;re talking about being
0 tornadoes of destruction for the people
0 around you you guys are talking about
0 gas lighting and abuse and you know
0 being angry and suicidal and and nearly
0 dying and you know walking to death&;s
0 door and cracking it open a little bit
0 and peeking through into seeing what&;s
0 on the other side and yet you all feel
0 ok you all feel good we&;ve got ghosts
0 who&;s terrified that no one is ever
0 gonna understand him because he doesn&;t
0 understand himself and then like the
0 rest of us are just like scratching our
0 heads were like we get you dude like we
0 understand who you are
0 and it&;s it&;s so confusing to him and I
0 I mean I&;m sure that all of you guys are
0 really good at bullshitting I&;m sure all
0 of you guys are really good at lying but
0 I also think that y&;all are really good
0 at sniffing out other people&;s [ __ ]
0 and I think if there was someone who&;s
0 both bullshitting in here we would be
0 able to sniff him out pretty quick you
0 can&;t create what&;s happening here if
0 there&;s someone who&;s full of [ __ ] right
0 so there&;s something really like special
0 going on and by the way we&;re supposed
0 to be talking about relationships so I&;m
0 gonna switch back there so I&;m gonna
0 quickly I think I&;m gonna pat ourselves
0 on the back because you know the reason
0 I think the reason why the cesspool of
0 YouTube comments were positive is
0 because when when you can own who you
0 are it&;s respectable it means you have
0 you know you have balls you know so I
0 think it&;s that&;s why I think I love you
0 guys because you guys own it too and
0 then we&;re doing it together so yeah
0 that&;s that&;s a win for me yeah man Tony
0 thanks for your repeated suppose are at
0 the positivity dude sometimes I want to
0 be a therapist too but uh I guess my
0 moving lot moves on I think you&;d be
0 good at attorney
0 you&;re like a calming presence so I just
0 want to acknowledge a couple things one
0 is that you know so we&;ve had some
0 supposed to topics that we&;re supposed
0 to talk about but I just want to point
0 out that we&;re like kind of all over the
0 place but I don&;t think it&;s really that
0 we&;re all over the place I think it&;s
0 just that like things are not things
0 don&;t stay in their buckets so what when
0 I when I when I hear you guys talk about
0 relationships what I really hear is
0 there&;s themes of fear first of all and
0 most predominantly and secondly like
0 like being afraid of like hurting other
0 people and probably something about you
0 don&;t want to subject people to the
0 person that you are
0 I&;m hearing that as well and you know in
0 the case of you know I think this
0 applies to I&;m not getting that from
0 Bayer which i think is completely fine
0 so I don&;t think everyone has to have
0 the same experience but I think it bears
0 case it sounds like he was just really
0 in a toxic relationship and it sounds
0 like you guys have all had toxic
0 relationships and also you know what I
0 am I don&;t know if I&;m really surprised
0 by this or not but like a lot of times
0 when we think about gamers or people on
0 Twitter like our people like the problem
0 is not that the relationships are full
0 of hurt or fear or pain or toxicity it&;s
0 that they just can&;t find them and so
0 I&;m in that group you want to share a
0 little bit about what that&;s been like
0 oh I kind of just did this self but now
0 I&;m kind of zoning out because I kind of
0 put all my attention on the superhero
0 complex we&;re trying to trying to kind
0 of digest it have you yeah I&;m
0 definitely level one in that arena and I
0 I definitely want to be that perfect guy
0 going into it so um I understand that
0 now so I just accept the reality that
0 I&;m just level one and that I&;ve also
0 haven&;t looked for any relationship so
0 you know I can&;t complain it&;s just
0 something I might got to yet so that&;s
0 that&;s where I&;m at and yeah so I&;m just
0 trying to think about because we&;re
0 gonna have to wrap up it a little bit if
0 there&;s something that we can try to
0 like tie together or take home about
0 relationships and I realize we haven&;t
0 really done it justice so I was gonna
0 just kind of you know so we can do a
0 couple things and I&;ll leave it to you
0 guys to decide we can just kind of
0 continue to talk sort of open forum
0 because I think there&;s a lot of value
0 and we&;re uncovering a lot or what we
0 can do is you know pick one or two
0 things to try to like probably one thing
0 to explore and really come away with
0 some sense of understanding about like
0 how that one thing works what do you
0 guys think would be a better use of our
0 time
0 maybe focus on the one thing I think the
0 one thing and he is usually the one
0 thing tends to be just a mindset or
0 recognizing or be mindful of a state
0 that we&;re in I want to tie it down to a
0 practice so that we stick to that one
0 thing and that we embody that one thing
0 over and over again or that we you know
0 mitigate any triggers that remove us
0 from that one thing okay you know yeah I
0 got very practical mmm take away tying
0 to that one thing okay yeah sure so I&;m
0 a fan of trying to keep things practical
0 as well so I&;d like to offer something
0 for our one thing which is that why do
0 you feel like you need to be perfect can
0 we understand why you feel like you need
0 to be level 100 before you enter a
0 relationship and what does that do to
0 you what does that do to your prospects
0 for a relationship like where does that
0 come from
0 what do you guys think about that is a
0 topic I think that&;s a good topic does
0 anybody else have suggestions for what
0 to talk about works for me so let&;s
0 start with so why do you guys where does
0 that feeling so you guys so who here
0 feels like they want to be someone else
0 before they engage in a relationship my
0 caveat is
0 I just want to be myself again once I
0 could be myself again can I know I&;ve
0 been there like once I&;m myself then I
0 know it can be a pretty decent guy but
0 there&;s just thing I just I&;m in a
0 situation where I&;m not for myself okay
0 so why do you guys what is it that you
0 want to be before you enter a
0 relationship successful the idea why is
0 it important to be what what if you were
0 successful bear what would that change
0 about how you approach relationships it
0 would change my mentality of status and
0 how I would value myself and how I feel
0 like other people would would value me
0 uh-huh how would you change how would it
0 change how you value yourself
0 I could reflect on all the there it&;d be
0 easier for me to reflect on all the good
0 that I&;ve done knowing that it&;s it&;s
0 actually viable it&;s a versus what I
0 have now
0 okay and how would that change your
0 perception of how other people would see
0 you well I&;m I&;m heavily influenced by
0 how people see me
0 and the way they see me now is not I
0 guess not the best and then once I get
0 to that that point success surely the
0 that view would change but there&;s no I
0 guess a hundred percent confidence
0 behind that what what do you mean by not
0 the best how do they see you now
0 uh I just graduated no job just kind of
0 sitting at home playing video games do
0 nothing so how do they see what does
0 that mean unsuccessful I guess when you
0 guys think about how do you get okay so
0 let&;s just leave it at that so I&;m gonna
0 ask a couple other people right so
0 Richard what would you like to be before
0 you enter into a relationship I get this
0 sense that I&;m not sure I I would love
0 to be in a relationship it&;s just I
0 don&;t I don&;t know I&;m not sure I&;m no
0 I&;m just level zero at this point
0 good answer so I think if you&;re not if
0 you&;re not sure about something you
0 should just say that so I&;m gonna just
0 bounce around because I&;m gonna try to
0 pull out themes okay so ghosts what
0 would you like to be different before
0 you enter a relationship I&;m kind of
0 thinking of two different answers okay
0 one of them is whole but that reminds me
0 of when you were talking to reckful
0 about borderline personality disorder
0 that it&;s like it&;s hard to it&;s like
0 the whole kind of comes after but I&;m
0 not sure I want to subject someone to
0 myself when I&;m not whole and then
0 there&;s another part of me that&;s saying
0 I&;m not even sure that I want to be in a
0 relationship because I feel like I&;m so
0 I never want to be tied down to anything
0 because it makes me feel trapped and I
0 always want to be able to take flight if
0 I need to
0 but maybe that&;s something really
0 unhealthy and maybe that&;s rooted in
0 something yeah that&;s how I feel what
0 have you felt trapped before yeah
0 yeah quite a lot I kind of um I&;m
0 realizing that I&;m really good at
0 setting boundaries without even
0 realizing like I just don&;t let people
0 in because I I like unless they&;re
0 strangers on I don&;t like syrup
0 yeah I don&;t know what that is I feel
0 like it feels like there&;s a part of me
0 that&;s dominant all of the time and then
0 the part of me that&;s not dominant seize
0 this opportunity and it&;s like well if
0 there&;s gonna be one opportunity like
0 this is the time to strike and regain
0 control of myself
0 okay um yeah it feels like I&;m I don&;t
0 know that I want to surrender control to
0 another person I like to be in control
0 of my own life and I feel like I had a
0 really mmm okay someone I know will be
0 watching this but I don&;t care I&;m gonna
0 say I had a really abusive upbringing
0 and I had like really severe sort of
0 like strict like tyranny I guess and
0 that&;s sort of always fueled this need
0 to feel free and I just I can&;t feel
0 trapped because it&;s the worst thing in
0 the world to me and I&;d rather have
0 nothing and be free than have something
0 and be trapped sure
0 Tony you said that you want to be
0 yourself again can you help us
0 understand who you are now and how
0 you&;re different from yourself yeah
0 sometimes like like go said like when if
0 he&;s if he feels whole again then you
0 know he&;d be it&;d be all right it I
0 think in relationship or it may be more
0 open to the idea of being with [ __ ] when
0 he&;s whole because for me it&;s like I
0 don&;t like it when I try to hide parts
0 of myself you know I have my weaknesses
0 or hide my mistakes or hide little
0 things that I&;m not proud of I don&;t I
0 don&;t like the sense of hiding so once I
0 and once I can overcome those things
0 that I&;m trying to hide that I don&;t
0 need to hide anymore right then I could
0 just be me absolutely authentic yeah
0 free you know and and I I want to be
0 free you know as opposed to be being was
0 called chained down to little petty bits
0 with shame whether they&;re petty or
0 deep-rooted and I just want to be free
0 and like she&;ll be me you know you could
0 probably enough yeah that&;s me yeah so
0 the first thing that I want to say is
0 that you know I&;m just really surprised
0 by how reasonable when everyone else
0 what everyone is saying is right
0 maybe surprise isn&;t really the right
0 word but like I just want to acknowledge
0 because I think it&;s significant that
0 you know these are not these are very
0 real challenges that you guys face real
0 experiences that you all have had this
0 is not like some kind of cognitive bias
0 this is I mean there may be elements of
0 depression and stuff like that but you
0 know when we&;re dealing with something
0 like depression or anxiety like the
0 basic problem is that the thoughts that
0 your mind has are wrong right so like if
0 you have social anxiety and you think
0 everyone hates you like that&;s a wrong
0 thought
0 the first thing that I kind of want to
0 acknowledge is that I don&;t think that
0 they&;re like wrong thoughts here I think
0 each of what you guys want before you&;re
0 ready for a relationship
0 is very like legitimate and real right
0 this isn&;t pathology on your part it&;s
0 just you wanting to be in a different
0 place in your life now I think there are
0 a couple of things that I would I&;m just
0 gonna start talking if that&;s okay
0 because we&;ve got about maybe 5 to 10
0 minutes left the first thing is I think
0 all of you guys are thinking that in
0 order for you to have the perfect
0 relationship you have to be the perfect
0 person and I think the subtle thing that
0 has been unsaid all along here is that
0 what y&;all are looking for is a perfect
0 relationship right because you&;re
0 envisioning that if you are a certain
0 way then the relationship is going to be
0 a certain way you guys see that y&;all
0 think about that it&;s an unrealistic
0 expectation did you guys realize that
0 that was what your expectation was um
0 kind of it reminds me of a scene from
0 Good Will Hunting I don&;t know if
0 anyone&;s seen it but like there&;s a
0 scene where the main character is saying
0 that he doesn&;t want to call it go back
0 because right now in his head she&;s
0 perfect then he doesn&;t want to find out
0 and ruin it and then his therapist says
0 maybe you&;re perfect to her right now
0 and then he says it&;s not a matter of
0 whether you&;re perfect or she&;s perfect
0 but whether or not you&;re perfect for
0 each other
0 and whether or not you click with your
0 imperfections so maybe that&;s like the
0 most authentic thing you can hope for
0 yeah so I think the the subtle thing
0 here is that you guys are wanting to be
0 perfect because you&;re envisioning so
0 like you&;re envisioning this perfect
0 relationship and for that perfect
0 relationship to succeed you have to be a
0 particular thing
0 right that&;s what you&;re really because
0 you&;re saying like okay I&;m there&;s this
0 thing in my there&;s this fantasy in my
0 mind and unless I am that thing I&;m
0 going to screw it up this is cue all the
0 thoughts about I am a tornado of death
0 and I hurt I don&;t want to hurt other
0 people if I&;m not confident in myself I
0 may be attracting the wrong kind of
0 person who&;s narcissistic and gaslight
0 me and all that kind of [ __ ] you know
0 like there are all of these like
0 reasonable thoughts that are ending up
0 with this sort of like flawed premise
0 that you guys are looking for a perfect
0 relationship and for the record I don&;t
0 I don&;t know that you guys are ready for
0 a real relationship yet but I do think
0 that it&;s important to remember that you
0 know good relationships in my opinion
0 are defined not because the people that
0 like the good relationships are not the
0 ones that people and enter into when
0 they&;re perfect the good relationship is
0 the one where the person that you&;re
0 with helps you become the starting point
0 that you guys are looking for that&;s a
0 good relationship right so like I can
0 relate a lot to what Baer was saying
0 personally because my relationship
0 started when I was in no one and and
0 thankfully my wife like stuck with me
0 like so we started dating when I was a
0 junior in college and then you know I
0 graduated after five years in college
0 and then for the next four years like
0 she continued to stick with me even
0 though she had many better options and I
0 wasn&;t making any money I wasn&;t you
0 know I was just a guy who graduated
0 three years ago with a biology degree in
0 a 2.5 GPA like that&;s a no one in life
0 like that like you know bear just
0 graduated it&;s just like three years
0 later I&;m exactly where Bear is today
0 and and she&;s stuck with me and so you
0 know was she perfect absolutely not was
0 I perfect absolutely not
0 and so I&;d encourage you guys to think a
0 little bit about you know when you are
0 trying to be this perfect person because
0 you don&;t want to hurt people this once
0 again is like as you guys said that&;s
0 evasion tanking right so I think part of
0 what a relationship a good relationship
0 is about is that you actually do
0 hurt other people like that&;s something
0 you have to accept from the get-go and
0 that other people are gonna hurt you
0 the question is what happens when
0 someone takes damage you know do they do
0 they Gaslight everyone around you –
0 dogpile you and make you feel like a
0 piece of [ __ ] that&;s a relationship that
0 needs to end
0 or do they apologize and like try to
0 help you grow and try to grow themselves
0 are they willing to stick with you while
0 you&;re exploring all the layers to your
0 own onion because you don&;t know who you
0 are and be sort of a stable force are
0 they willing to be patient with you
0 while you figure your own [ __ ] out which
0 I&;m eternally grateful to my wife
0 because she was I didn&;t know who the
0 [ __ ] I was and she was like kind of okay
0 with that and and so I think the last
0 thing to understand is that you guys are
0 striving to be perfect before you enter
0 this relationship you want to be level
0 100 but you&;re actually setting like a
0 very dangerous expectation for the other
0 person which is to expect perfection
0 from you that&;s a relationship that&;s
0 gonna fail because this Thunder this set
0 is up here yeah so then when you fall
0 below it you&;re not meeting your own
0 standards absolutely it&;s gonna be false
0 advertising too because you guys are
0 never gonna be level 100 it&;s just not
0 gonna happen
0 you can also like a full buck you could
0 even go back they can release expansions
0 and raise the level cap that&;s actually
0 what happens right so as you get better
0 you become
0 I mean dissatisfaction has nothing to do
0 with where you are in life like I work
0 with people that are wildly successful
0 and equally dissatisfied is like you
0 know the people I work with on you know
0 on twitch like gamers and average people
0 and neat people like any et people and
0 stuff like that it&;s all it&;s all about
0 attitude and self-satisfaction
0 so I&;d really encourage you guys to
0 think a lot about this idea of like you
0 know I want to be perfect before I enter
0 a relationship so I think it like I said
0 so the first thing is it comes from a
0 very normal place that you guys really
0 do want to make some changes about
0 yourself I think all of the things that
0 you guys want to accomplish are
0 reasonable goals the only issue that I
0 take is that just because you haven&;t
0 met those goals doesn&;t mean that you&;re
0 not ready for a relationship actually I
0 mean you&;re not ready but that doesn&;t
0 mean that it isn&;t a good idea the last
0 thing is I don&;t think you need to be
0 right I mean I [ __ ] wasn&;t ready for
0 a relationship do you think you can ever
0 really be ready
0 no and this goes this goes back to the
0 idea of you can only be what you are
0 right so the last thing that I&;m gonna
0 leave you guys with is something even
0 more confusing a little bit spiritual
0 which is the concept of Karma
0 so your karma did I mean so you guys
0 don&;t have to believe this but just just
0 to think about it so I I don&;t think
0 about karma as being right or wrong I
0 think about it as a framework that can
0 help us understand certain things about
0 our life so like we were each given a
0 hand of cards to play the game of life
0 and that&;s our Karma I&;m not saying it
0 was determined by God or anything like
0 that I&;m just saying that our
0 circumstances are unique and our
0 circumstances form us into the people
0 that we are today and so you guys can&;t
0 be anything but what you were so ghost
0 has this issue about feeling trapped
0 because you grew up in a tyrannical
0 household like you can&;t undo that you
0 don&;t get to re-roll right so that&;s
0 just what you deal with
0 that&;s your karma and also to understand
0 that you can&;t expect yourself to be
0 free of that you can&;t hold yourself to
0 a standard of not being paranoid to
0 being trapped because that&;s what you
0 [ __ ] are you&;re paranoid of being
0 trapped so be it that&;s the hand that
0 you were dealt that&;s your karma so play
0 that hand it doesn&;t mean that you can&;t
0 win the game
0 and so whether it&;s a couple of
0 near-death experiences a narcissistic
0 partner who gaslighted everyone around
0 you you know non-ideal modeling for what
0 a relationship looks like or a fear of
0 being trapped and paranoid or even not
0 even knowing what you want from a
0 relationship because your level zero all
0 of those are your gut Irma&;s those are
0 your unique set of circumstances you
0 can&;t be anything but what you are
0 because that&;s the hand that you were
0 given and you&;ve made choices in the
0 past but just because those choices were
0 a mistake before doesn&;t change the fact
0 that you made those mistakes and you
0 have to deal with that [ __ ] today right
0 so you like even today every day you
0 have the hand of cards that you sort of
0 determined the day before and the day
0 before the day before and you can regret
0 playing that hand a particular way but
0 you still have to deal with the
0 aftermath of who you are today which is
0 imperfect
0 and not ready and completely ok thoughts
0 or questions before we wrap up I was
0 just a quick question on that yeah so
0 the conversation was unraveling I saw
0 myself really pushing forward to an idea
0 of like a perfect loving family like two
0 kids is uh is that a perfect
0 relationship or is it is I guess my main
0 question is is there a difference
0 between loving and perfect what do you
0 guys think so is that like a good a good
0 pursuit a good goal a good maybe maybe
0 that&;s not the right link so I&;m gonna
0 sort of turn that question on its head I
0 think what&;s perfect is what is
0 right so like if you walk outside and
0 you look at a flower that flower cannot
0 be anything but what it is it can&;t be
0 in a different place it can&;t be a
0 different color so if you really look at
0 it from a yogic perspective the idea of
0 perfection is just a false thing because
0 the only thing that is is what is you
0 can&;t stop making it rain you can&;t you
0 know change the person that you are so
0 in a sense you are perfect
0 so is it like don&;t concern yourself
0 with that which you can&;t control like
0 just release any ideas about something
0 that&;s out of your control completely
0 yeah so just be the person that you are
0 and do the best that you can and in
0 terms of having goals I think generally
0 speaking we have goals when we have very
0 little information right so my
0 perception of what good and healthy
0 marriage is like when I started out I
0 had no clue and I think one of the
0 biggest mistakes that people make is
0 they like they come up with checklists
0 right they&;re like I want my partner to
0 be a B and C and generally speaking the
0 more that they adhere to the checklist
0 just what I&;ve seen in terms of you know
0 my friends and people who are my age who
0 get married and don&;t get married and
0 end up in happy relationships and don&;t
0 end up in happy relationships is the
0 people who are obsessed with checklists
0 and like meeting a certain standard are
0 the ones who tend to get divorced or not
0 be married
0 it&;s the people who actually like just
0 about every relationship so when I work
0 with people you know in in my practice I
0 see a lot of healthy relationships and
0 all of them are like deeply flawed at
0 the very beginning it&;s like people
0 getting together with people that they
0 really should not get together with
0 right so like you know asking an 18 year
0 old to marry you when you work at
0 Chili&;s seems like a terrible idea
0 and it is a terrible idea but bizarrely
0 enough girl&;s parents were okay with it
0 and they&;re like happily married now
0 what is this something like eighteen
0 years later right so like don&;t expect
0 don&;t set up in your mind what a perfect
0 person or perfect relationship looks
0 like because you just don&;t know like
0 well the perfect relationship is the one
0 that&;s right for you
0 and that that one you know I think
0 you&;ll know it when you see it but you
0 have to give yourself a chance the one
0 thing that I would encourage you guys to
0 do is just if you&;re not ready for a
0 relationship that&;s completely
0 reasonable you know if you have some
0 stuff that you want to work on stuff
0 like that but I was I mean I started I
0 met my wife when I was convinced I was
0 gonna become a monk and be celibate for
0 the rest of my life so that was just
0 terrible I mean was a terrible idea for
0 everyone involved
0 and you were confused yeah I got
0 confused and it was great
0 like I&;m so glad cuz man I just I if
0 that had not happened I would not have
0 recognized the depth of my idiocy and
0 that has gotten me to appreciate so much
0 about how stupid human beings can
0 actually be and it also gives me
0 compassion for the dumbest human beings
0 on the planet which allows me to talk to
0 people on Twitch
0 cuz that&;s usually yeah if you hadn&;t
0 met your wife and you had become a monk
0 do you think you would have lived a
0 happy life and that version of you would
0 now still be glad of making that choice
0 I do you think you just have to accept
0 whichever path you end up taking I think
0 there&;s only one path okay right so I
0 here&;s our meditation practice for the
0 day so we can do mula bandha again you
0 guys remember mula bandha yeah so mula
0 bandha is so we&;re gonna contract the
0 perineum which you guys can you know try
0 this at home if you want to but
0 okay so mula bandha is is so Tony and
0 bare so you guys know how to flex your
0 penis up so go ahead and pull that
0 muscle and notice when you pull that
0 muscle that your anus contracts this I&;m
0 not trawling you guys seriously it&;s
0 just it&;s really not trolling you kegels
0 right giggles yeah kegels exactly
0 so basically mula bandha is contracting
0 that muscle for a period of like three
0 to five seconds and then relaxing and
0 then contracting and relaxing so let&;s
0 practice so contract one two three and
0 relax and then contract again one two
0 three relax
0 contract one two three
0 relax good so continue practicing for
0 let&;s say another thirty Seconds good so
0 I have another meditation practice for
0 you guys so this one that&;s a little bit
0 more contemplative this is gonna sound
0 kind of weird but I want you guys to go
0 outside and look at a plant and then ask
0 yourself is that plant perfect
0 and could that plant be anything else
0 and I know you can think of an answer as
0 you sit here and you imagine the
0 scenario but part of a meditative
0 practices actually go outside and look
0 at it and contemplate it and use that
0 sensory experience okay
0 how you guys feeling good tom you guys
0 how do you all feel about your future
0 confident
0 ghosts are you ever gonna get to the
0 bottom of the onion shark huh Shrek I
0 think yeah I think I am okay bear are
0 you gonna be successful just long as I
0 take the stuff Sunday – right yep the
0 only steps you can&;t take one layer at a
0 time one layer at a time
0 now I&;ll build donkey that&;ll do so
0 he&;ll do I don&;t have you know specific
0 questions for each and every one of you
0 but I think let me just see what I can
0 pull out so if for Aaron I guess my
0 question is is death inevitable are you
0 gonna drown be honest one day in the
0 very very very far future well when the
0 time is right but when the time is right
0 perfect time because there&;s only one
0 thought yeah I have too many things too
0 many ambitions good so try to
0 trying to fulfill what you can and then
0 you&;ll learn how to let go of the rest
0 dr. K can I ask you a question was there
0 anything that you wanted you noticed
0 that you were there any questions that
0 weren&;t that we didn&;t have time for
0 that you wanted to bring up just so
0 yelling a thousand but I think that&;s
0 okay right so I I think we we got to the
0 questions that we needed to today and I
0 have Rosen ambitions as well I have all
0 kinds of things that I jotted down that
0 I wanted to ask you guys about and what
0 do you know those we didn&;t have time
0 for those those questions are
0 unfulfilled we may never get to them and
0 yet this conversation was perfect it&;s
0 what it needed to be and you guys are
0 what you need to be and that&;s that&;s
0 just how it works so take comfort in the
0 fact that that&;s just that&;s how it
0 works guys we couldn&;t have asked any
0 more questions and we couldn&;t have
0 asked any fewer we asked them you&;d go
0 insane if you tried to change like if
0 you try to really focus on those things
0 and didn&;t just see it as perfect as is
0 very well said ghost why the [ __ ] do you
0 think everyone is going crazy because
0 that
0 which you try to like that&;s what you
0 try to do in your life right just think
0 about that for a second you try to salt
0 you try to ask all the questions you try
0 to fulfill all the ambitions you try to
0 be the perfect person for a relationship
0 and then everyone goes insane like why
0 did why do you guys think this is so
0 successful on Twitch it&;s because
0 everyone is doing what goes to sync
0 right so the biggest problem with
0 mankind is that their ambition is
0 limitless and their capability is
0 limited if always like before more
0 change change change go out and see even
0 with with Tony it&;s like change I don&;t
0 need to change a whole lot I just need
0 to change a little bit still a problem
0 so go out and look at your plant and
0 good luck guys and yeah thank you very
0 much for coming on today thank you very
0 much for sharing asking questions being
0 present being what you were supposed to
0 be yeah thank you thank you everyone
0 actually I wanna hold you guys I&;ll
0 maybe I&;ll get in touch with you guys
0 and maybe we can be accountability
0 buddies just to do our kegels and Bobby
0 it it&;ll be fun
0 this is an invitational all right guys
0 take care
0 strong guys good luck everyone okay so
0 guys thank you very much for coming I
0 don&;t know how much of that people were
0 able to keep up with but yeah so I think
0 you know one thing that I just wanted to
0 say for a second is that I think that
0 this actually highlights a little bit
0 about why I think our coaching program
0 is like actually gonna be pretty good
0 because I think you know we have all
0 these problems that we think we have but
0 the solutions tend to be like a lot
0 wider and deeper and broader I think
0 things are related in in terms of our
0 mind and stuff and so my hope is that I
0 mean so my question is how do we help
0 people explore this kind of stuff and
0 and that&;s where I think like that my
0 hope is that the coaching program works
0 so we&;ll see
0 but you know if you guys are feeling
0 stuck in a particular area of your life
0 don&;t be so restrictive is to think that
0 the solution to that problem is like
0 fixing that problem when we talked about
0 relationships for example you know they
0 you know there are all kinds of there&;s
0 all kinds of relationship advice you can
0 give people I think the real challenge
0 is is in recognizing that you know what
0 these people are struggling with is like
0 fear of who they are and that they&;re
0 not going to be good enough in a
0 relationship for someone else
0 and they&;re not going to be good enough
0 in a relationship for someone else right
0 so successful relationships people grow
0 and learn how to get better at them so
0 you&;re not like I mean you start off
0 with low XP and then you like level up
0 with someone and if things worked out
0 then you guys like stay with them and
0 and that&;s great so if you guys think
0 that you know your problem is video game
0 addiction or your problem is this or
0 your problem is that like do yourself
0 the benefit do yourself the benefit of
0 digging a little bit deeper and seeing
0 if there&;s something related to it right
0 is this an issue of confidence is this
0 an issue of like you know I don&;t want
0 to be successful because even if I&;m
0 successful I&;m never going to live up to
0 the fantasy that I have in my mind
0 that&;s a big one that people are not
0 willing to they say oh I&;m unemployed I
0 don&;t have a job I sit at home all day
0 and they can go out and get a job but
0 they don&;t want to get a job because the
0 job that they&;re gonna get is gonna be
0 shameful right it doesn&;t live up to
0 their standard like yeah I&;m happy to be
0 an entrepreneur but I don&;t want to work
0 for someone else so be careful about
0 your ego and the standards that you set
0 yourself and what you believe is is your
0 problem and what you believe your
0 solution is because it may be very
0 different from what you think
0 so thank you guys very much thank you
0 all for all of the support you know
0 we&;ll see what the YouTube comments for
0 this would look like if you guys did
0 comment on the YouTube video thank you
0 very much for the positive comments and
0 I&;ll see you guys on Wednesday so thanks
0 a lot
.